Visit Behind the Scenes with the Cheetahs at the Zoo

Wonderful cheetah experience 1: Have you ever been to the zoo and not seen the cheetah? Did you figure the cheetah was just in the cheetah quarters? No. The cheetah’s in the back of the display environment partying with people who paid fifty bucks to hang with the cheetahs in the cheetah quarters. At one point we could see the regular zoo-goers looking for the cheetah, which had wandered back to the back of the display to where we were. Suck it normal people!

Wonderful cheetah experience 2: The description of the cheetah experience says quite clearly you wouldn’t be touching any cheetahs, and I took that to mean we wouldn’t be seeing any cheetahs at all, especially since I’ve never seen the cheetah anyway. That’s why I was surprised to discover there are four cheetahs at the zoo, with only one is in the display area at any time. As I say, the rest of the cheetahs are laying about in 30 x 30 pens with the keeper, right behind the display.

Wonderful cheetah experience 3: The cheetah zookeeper LOVES the cheetahs. Honored to work with the cheetahs. Admires the cheetahs. The cheetah on display was the biggest one, and when he decided to stalk back to the back of the display to, you know, say, what the hell are you doing in my pen with my keeper, she said with pride, “Now THAT’s a cheetah!”

Wonderful cheetah experience 4: Primarily, the keeper’s job is to help the endangered cheetahs survive. Survival means procreation. It was fascinating to hear how cheetahs choose mates. It’s all about the urine. They can sense from a potential mate’s urine if that cheetah is too closely related to them. They are drawn to the urine of the most distantly related cheetah. A lot of time is spent marking trees with urine.

Wonderful cheetah experience 5: We were watching one of the lounging males when it hopped up, backed up to a tree, and fire-hosed it with urine.

Wonderful cheetah experience 6: At one point we could see all four cheetahs. We were about 10 feet from one and 15 feet from another, with the other two about 15 yards away. Of course, there were sturdy chain link fences there as well. I cannot TELL you how much I wanted to squat down and pee. Just to mess with them.

Wonderful cheetah experience 7: The cheetahs are not by the lions or tigers, where I’d expect to see a cat, but instead tucked away by the hippos. I always assumed that was because cheetahs would kill the bigger cats because the cheetah could catch them. This is dead wrong; cheetahs just get stressed out by competition. The cheetah keeper told me I was wrong in the best possible way. She said, “Well, who wouldn’t think that? Cheetahs are the BEST.”

Wonderful cheetah experience 8, and I save this one for the end: ERECT CHEETAH PENIS. I glanced at the cheetah lazing like Snoopy on top of his (heated) house ad he had a pink thing between his legs. I said “Um” and the keeper said, “Well look, he has an erection.” She went right there. I would have said “LOOKIT! CHEETAH PENIS!” but there were three other people in our group. Can’t just throw an erect penis in a stranger’s face. But I shouldn’t have been shy. An older lady commented she was a little disappointed in the penis size. (I’d say six inches.) The keeper took the other couple’s photo in front of the horny cheetah. I expected the keeper to arrange a hook-up right then with the female cheetah, but it turns out the two were related. Incompatible pee.

So, you say, where are the photos of the cheetah penis? Or the cheetah clawing a tree like a scratching post? Or the cheetah urine fire hose? Here’s the deal: we were able to take photos but they asked us not to share those photos on the internet. And I knew I could not have those photos in my phone and not share. I’d recommend to anyone you give some extra money to our free zoo and take one of those behind the scenes tours.