There look on Gary’s face when I ensconce him in a nice hotel room is priceless. Well, technically it’s usually about $300.00 a night, but it is worth it. The relief, the relaxation, the knowledge we will not discover the door lock doesn’t work when we are visited at 4 am by a drunk (Motel 6, 1987).
The thesis of the hotel is that it’s a museum and hotel. At first I thought, “Oh, it’s From The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler,” but no, there are actual rooms, with the usual hotel amenities.
Gary traditionally tries to put on a disappointed face about the flat screen, but he can’t.
You know it’s an arty hotel when they suspend the TV from the ceiling so there are no exposed wires.
The best thing about the TV? Look at this reflection of me taking a photo:
Look! It’s one of those magic high-tech flat-screen TVs that make your reflection look like you almost have a shape again. I hear those cost, like, an extra five grand.
Gary: “It’s not 1024/820 p per pixel high-tech-def 1020 res blah! gibberish like ours is at home.”
Me: “Well. Fuck it then. Let’s leave.”
It was then we discovered one of the many enjoyable things you can do in a nice hotel room is to curse about it.
“Oh, look Gary, they have a duck in the bath! Cute!”
I squeezed it. It didn’t squeak.
“PIECE of SHIT.”
Here’s another thing from the bathroom:
It’s some fancy shampoo and – look closely at the one on the left – Cilantro Conditioner. Ci. Lan. Tro. Cilantro tastes like soap anyway, so it makes it a natural fit as a bath product.
As we were stomping around the room and cursing in disgust at the fucking duck that didn’t squeak, the baby in the next room began crying. Loudly. When we returned from the concert though, total silence.
“Oh, they killed that baby,” Gary stated.
So, when I saw a couple checking out the next morning with a tiny baby, of course, I said something, because I think that everyone knows my sense of humor. Hey, stranger in the lobby, haven’t you read my blog? You live in America.
So I said, “Were you on the third floor? I think we might have heard your baby.”
“That was us. Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. She was mad, though. That’s why we thought you’d killed her.”
…
See, when I write things, I never get to hear that long shocked silence. It’s long! After a full three seconds, a woman who was with the couple laughed, hard, and then they all laughed. Then she patted my arm because she pitied me for the look of relief on my face.
Mute rubber ducks and cilantro hair aside, I cannot say enough about this hotel. Well, I will tomorrow. That’s when I will tell you about the best part.
9 responses to “Amenities: A is for Amenities”
When we meet in person for drinks on the cruise that I can no longer afford, I *must* tell you the story of when I met my friend Eric’s fiance… unless I already have. Anyway, shocked silence! It’s a skill we share.
You have way too much fun.
I regularly make these kinds of feau pax when trying to be funny. I saw a news story last night about a woman in a wheelchair who was killed in a hit and run accident. Because I’m a big fan of LOST! I automatically thought of a scene in a recent episode where John Lock is run down while in a wheelchair. Thankfully, I had that moment of clarity that told me only another LOST! fan would see the humor. And then I texted my friend, “Geesh. That sucks. John Locke lived.”
🙂
Julie
I went through a phase years ago of pretending I was a hypochondriac, for comic effect. ( *** ) so one day when I had a headache I said “I think I’m developing meningitis”. Except the nice lady I said that to? Her daughter-in-law had died of meningitis just a few months previously. Cool, eh?
The baby comment is FUNNY. If I had a crybaby kid and someone said that to me, I would absolutely laugh.
Tami – Oh, come on, tell all of us. You have a blog.Is it on there?Magpie- Well, this vacation was fun. Just remember that when I’m old I’ll die alone.Lazy Julie – Oh,my work husband is a big Lost fan. I kind of want to call him to interrupt him during the big 2 hour movie.Big Dot – Oooooo. Noooooo. There but for the grace of God. Erin G.- See,I knew I liked you.
Dear LN – I am concerned. You seem to be throwing away your money on hotels that advertise themselves as great but in truth can’t even afford decent wallboard in the guest rooms. And then distracts the guests with “art”. Tsk tsk tsk.
I’ve been ignoring my blog for months. Sad.
I cannot tell the story in writing, without the facial expressions it loses half the funny.
Becs – And you know, I was in that room for an hour before I said “Hey, that isn’t a exterior wall.” Then I saw our “window” on the other wall faced an empty atrium of bricks.Tami – Okay, I expect to hear it someday. Or it could ba phot essay.