Here’s the salted chocolate I bought last week from an excellent online establishment based in Portland.
I looked at the spread. “That is some sophisticated chocolate,” I said. “But how will I know which flavor is which?”
My flavors were:
Vosges Barcelona Exotic Candy Bar ($7.45)
Pack of 6 Dark Salted Chocolates ($19.95)
Domori D-Fusion Milk Chocolate Bar with Salt ($9.95)
Komforte Chocolate Tortilla, Lime and Salt Milk Chocolate Bar ($2.95)
I decided it wouldn’t be hard to tell the difference between Lime Chocolate and the rest, plus only one package looked like a stack of six little mini-bars.
I unwrapped that one and damnit, the chic white wrap was just a cover. They were all clearly labeled.
These were the six dark chocolates. Pangasinan Sea Salt, Turkish Black Pyramid Salt, Halen Mon Gold Oak Smoked Salt, Cherrywood Roasted Salt, Grigio di Cervia Salt, and Moshio Seaweed Salt.
I don’t do dark chocolate, but I thought Gary might like to participate. I had him sample the “Grigio di Cervia.”
Here, in his words, is his review.
“PAH! PAH! ACK! Engh engh engh. MAN!” (Gagging sounds.) “It’s like they dropped a bar of chocolate in the ocean, tried to fish it out, fought an octopus then got it after pulling pieces of seaweed off it, then you ate a mouthful of seawater with bittersweet chocolate.”
I checked the label. I had not given him the “Moshio Seaweed Salt.” His description seemed very accurate. Perhaps they were mis-labeled.
He refused to try any more of the dark chocolate after that. And I didn’t try it, because as I say, I don’t like dark chocolate.
We went for the Milk Chocolate Tortilla Lime and Salt bar next.
Gary: “Bleah! Bleah! Fuck! Bleah!”
Those were his final words on the topic: he refused to help after that.
I took a bite. It was an amusing little chocolate that made me laugh: simple and unassuming. Essentially Margaritaville Lime Tortilla Chips dipped in milk chocolate.
I went for the basics after that. I knew that what I need when it is two weeks after I ovulate is just the basics. Chocolate. Salt. Like a grilled chocolate sandwich, only less complex.
It tasted like a chocolate pudding made with an additional quarter cup of Morton’s salt poured in. The salt seemed strangely out of place, sad to say. Granted, it was not the week to try this, but it was too one-note.
My last-ditch effort hit pay dirt, though.
Okay, picture it is your time of the month, and you go out for a fudge sundae with buttered salted pecans on top. This bar is the layer of salted pecans. I know it has almonds inside, not pecans, I also know that in my non-hormonal state it tasted a little too intensely salted.
I made Gary try it. He only gave it one “Bleah.”
19 responses to “Salty Chocolate: A Partial Review, by Gary”
Love love love that last one.
Buy Gary some Hershey’s Kisses and call it a day.
I love Gary. It’s just a delightful bonus that he has the same name as Spongebob’s pet snail. I tried the President’s Choice salted caramels and I wish I hadn’t until I had the quintessential reaction to emulate.
Vosges is about the best thing ever to happen to chocolate. I’m not a huge salted/chocolate lover, mostly because I don’t like salt a great deal. However, Vosges has addicted me to combinations in chocolate I would never, ever, EVER have thought worthwhile. Wasabi and black sesame? Sounds like ick, tastes like a Vosges Black Pearl bar, which I will happily eat. Vosges also does a hot, spicy, chocolate toffee which is HIGHLY addictive and too damned expensive *sigh* although I want some right now.
And I’ll eat ALL your dark chocolate. Milk chocolate is a pale, dry, evil thing. Lindt 99% bar, baby, and a little melted caramel. I cede all milk chocolate to you.
Vosges is carried at Whole Foods.I like the one that has green tea in it. I generally don’t like dark chocolate unless it’s really good quality; otherwise it’s bitter and sucks all the moisture out of your mouth.
We have an opened bar of Lindt 99% cocoa solids dark chocolate in the pantry that’s been there for 2 years – in a house with 2 teenage girls (and me), where the level of the jar of drinking chocolate drops visibly in the course of a single day (yet, oddly, the milk appears untouched).
It’s vile, vile stuff and an insult to the fine name of chocolate.
Magpie – Hershery’s Special Dark, that’s what he likes.Allison – I’ve never seen Spongebob. (Your life is so exotic to me.) But I looked it up on Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_(SpongeBob_SquarePants)#Gary(My Gary never pays the electric bills. Sometimes he is a slug though.) Sherri – Okay, we cannot be the same species. Why not cilantro chocolate? Crazy!Amy_in_StL – It IS bitter. How do you feel about White Chocolate? I think it is an abomination.Big Dot – The gauntlet has been thrown! Chocolate Wars.
White chocolate should be banished from the chocolate family gatherings until it can find some taste.
Oh, but… a world without macadamia and white chocolate chip cookies? Sob.
Amy_in_StL – Or, some chocolate genes. There’s no chocolate in it! Switched at Birth Chocolate.Big Dot – Sure, they’d just be called Macadamia and White Fondant cookies.
(You did notice what I did there, right?)
Big Dot – No. Damn. Wait – Wikipedia says Macadamia nuts are an iconic Austrailian food. Is that it?http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_cuisine#Iconic_Australian_foods
No! Though they are, you’re right, and I ate my share whilst in Queensland (we are quite clear about Australia and New Zealand being separate countries, aren’t we) – but no, I’d translated for you. Cookies = biscuits. And not your breakfast thingies, which are another thing entirely, that I’m actually not quite sure about.
Big Dot – And what are digestive crackers? Graham crackers? And I think Little Red Boat just said cookies are crunchy and biscuits are sweet?Bicuits are scones, but lighter, like pastry.
Hmm. I do make scones the same way I make biscuits, cutting the shortening into the dry ingredients, and then adding liquids. I guess they *are* very similar! I never cut my biscuits into triangles, though.
Digestive biscuits (not crackers) are wholemeal, slightly sweet and can be eaten with cheese, or made into a cheesecake base, but best of all dunked in tea. Is that a Graham cracker?
Biscuits ARE cookies – crunchy and sweet. (And delicious!)
I have no idea how a scone could be like pastry.
…how is a raven like a writing desk?
:o)
Tami- My scone recipe explained “scones are like rich biscuits.”Big Dot – Yes, thats a Graham cracker named after Mr Graham, a very unsexy man: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/394/is-it-true-graham-crackers-were-invented-to-cure-the-dread-fever-of-lustTami – Since I was there anyway:http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1173/why-is-a-raven-like-a-writing-desk
I thought I was the only one that craved salty chocolate during my time of the month! DQ buster bars contain this delightful combination, with the added bonus of ice cream.
Stephanie – But why have peanuts when you can have pecans? And … two words… Pretzel Flipz.