And Now On a Very Special Mystery Diagnosis

I love Mystery Diagnosis. When they had a woman on with MS, I did not guess it at all. The teratoma episode: I could watch that over and over. If you’ve never seen it, this is the formula:

Setup: You meet the patient. Patient experiences symptoms.
Commercial

Recap of everything before the commercial. You can be really sloppy with the TiVO with this show.
New developments. New Symptoms. Patient is mis-diagnosed.
Commercial

Recap of everything before the commercial.
Patient goes to a big city hospital OR a geneticist and is diagnosed correctly.
Patient whines, how it it he or she was not diagnosed correctly?
I yell at the screen either:
A: “Because NO ONE has Analyze E-Factor Homolymne Syndrome!” or
B: “Because you presented with freak symptoms. Who gets MS by stepping on a crochet needle?”
Doctor explains that no one has Analyze E-Factor Homolymne Syndrome or that crochets needles are not a typical MS trigger.

So, I bring to you A Very Inappropriate Mystery Diagnosis.

You may recall a few months back, I had the mysterious monthly issue of blood from my labia.

That takes us to the first commercial. At this point in the show the patient is required to do the Obligatory Expressive Eye Close.

Obligatory Expressive Eye Close:

Now, someone on the BNL Message Board said, “so you just had the Yeast Infection from Hell,” and I said no, he said it wasn’t a yeast infection, besides, I didn’t have anything even remotely like cottage cheese coming out of me. (I almost want to have a yeast infection just to see that. Small curd? Large curd?)

THEN

Cruising across the net I read this:

Predisposing risk factors for vaginal yeast infection include diabetes (no), pregnancy (ha), antibiotic use (yes), stress (maybe, yeah), poor diet (*yeah baby yeah*), sugars (yes), alcohol (yes), menopause (could be), birth control pills (yes), pregnancy (AGAIN?), immunosuppression from drugs or disease. (Ding! We have a winner.)

So I read on.

Symptoms of yeast infections can include swollen (HELL yeah), red (yes), tender (I guess), itching (no) vaginal lips and surrounding skin. Often there is a whitish, clumpy “curdy” vaginal discharge (resembling lumps of cottage cheese) (OH MY GOD NO). The odor may be unpleasant. (Not before the cream)

So, by then not sounding good for the yeast, given that vaginas plus yeast somehow magically turn into cottage cheese.

BUT THEN!

For women with recurrent yeast infections, the symptoms tend to flare at the same time during each menstrual cycle. (OH! OH! WHAT WAS THAT YOU JUST SAID?) Sometimes women have burning with urination. (Like when you have a bladder infection? But then they say you don’t have a bladder infection? HUH?)

Mystery Diagnosis Narrator Voice:

“But still, Ellen couldn’t quite understand why it took so long for the diagnosis to be made.”

You know why? Here’s why. Ladies, if you get any mysterious monthly labial bleeding go right out to the grocery and buy some of this:

And spoon that stuff right up in to your Love Crevice. THEN go to the gynecologist.

Actually, I’m sure I was diagnosed just fine, given that he prescribed the stuff you give for yeast infections, but you know, he might have told me what his suspicions were, instead of invoking CANCER. But it was sort of a House Classic Diagnosis: Give her the drugs, see if she gets better. And I did.

And now! Mystery Diagnosis Outtakes!