Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: December 2009

  • Merry Christmas

    Spunky and the Gang wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

  • Tim and Susan and Me

    I was curled up in bed, a little down because Gary decided to stay at work instead of buying me Christmas gifts, and Gary decided to stay at work instead of coming home, and Gary decided to stay at work instead of any of the other more entertaining Love Languages, and also because Susan Sarandon…

  • This is how I start my day

    Each morning I walk past this sign and wait for the day they shovel snow directly off the top of the parking garage and onto the snow dumping area. And then I think, “Do not taunt happy fun ball.”

  • Privacy

    FLORIDA – Today, Tiger Woods announced his plan to sue everyone who doesn’t respect his privacy. The spokesman for Tiger’s team of high-priced attorneys claims this puts them in the odd situation of having their client (famous golfer Tiger Woods) sue famous golfer Tiger Woods. The press release announcing the suit reads in part: “Tiger…

  • Christmas Fun!

    So, driven by a threat of snow as solid a ten-day weather forecast, the in-laws moved the Christmas Eve celebration up to today. It made for a stressful day yesterday, but it’s nice to have the family Christmas done. One of my mother-in-law’s gifts was a package of Host. Yes, Host, with a capital H.…

  • HAHAHAHAHA (Subtitle: Laugh of Panic)

    Previously seen on In-law Christmas ’09” Sister in law: “No, let’s just do two presents each.”Gary’s Mom Wilma: “I don’t have the energy to make the whole Christmas Buffet of Fingerfoods. I’ll just make the salad and dip and 200 cookies. Your sister will bring the sandwiches and meatballs and you bring something else. Just…

  • Just to Clarify

    I am afraid to touch any dog’s belly now. Are you telling me the area in the red triangle on male dogs is off-limits? (And my dog doesn’t have testicles, just hard little submerged knots, so I’m scratching the area formerly known as his balls.) And if this were your female dog, you would keep…

  • In Which I Recant My Previous Post

    “Gary, did you read the blog today? I just want to check my facts. The commenters are horrified by your mom’s behavior with the dog. I need to be sure I’m not making false accusations.” “MASTURBATING THE DOG?” Gary screamed. “Right! I’m thinking that I heard wrong when you said your Mom was rubbing Tinkerbell’s…

  • Tinkerbell Update

    Preliminary coursework: The in-laws have a dog named Tinkerbellandmy angelic and pure Mother-in-law favors indelicate terms for the female body part. (Hint: when I tell the above Mother-in-law stories at work I have to say “Twah” instead so no one can report me to HR.) Gary told me that he visited his Mom today. They…

  • What the TiVo’s Been Watching

    I haven’t watched most of these yet, but TiVo has. Hoarders – Oh, thank God, no feces this week. Of course, there was a stillborn baby. (Not in the clutter, just as a memory.) Not as sad as the recent Mystery Diagnosis. Diagnosis: Death. The featured kids are going to die. But hey, at least…