I was curled up in bed, a little down because Gary decided to stay at work instead of buying me Christmas gifts, and Gary decided to stay at work instead of coming home, and Gary decided to stay at work instead of any of the other more entertaining Love Languages, and also because Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins are breaking up after 23 years.
I’m six months away from my 25th anniversary and it bothers me when long-time loves go south. I wonder what went wrong because it’s probably just as wrong in my marriage too.
Like, I was wondering about their sex life, because when it’s been over twenty years, people, the LOVE has been MADE. A young person was listening to me and another 20+ woman as we were describing our seduction techniques, such as barking “When are we doing this thing?”
“But that’s awful. The best part of making love is lighting the candles and the soft music and the romance,” the young person said.
We answered, “That is a waste of time. The orgasm feels just as good if you spent two hours getting there or five minutes. It’s like if you could get the best steak of your life at the Steak and Shake drive-thru. Just as good in a tenth the time.”
“But what about the love?”
The love is there. The intimacy is there. But do you remember during the months after 9/11, when Tina Fey reported on SNL Weekend Update that Ashcroft would be putting the US on high alert, and she said, “I think I speak for all Americans when I say: ‘Bitch, I can’t be any more alert than I already am!’” Bitch, I can’t be more in love. The love pop-up timer has popped. It doesn’t get more intimate than this.
So after you plateau at the peak of love and intimacy, you start to think, “Wouldn’t it be fun to go all the way back to the beginning with someone completely different?”
And I imagine I would start acting on such thoughts were I hot like Susan or Tim. However, Gary and I wisely planned ahead and got dumpy and old, unlike Tim and Sue. That was their big mistake. Gotta think ahead.
And now that I think about it, I imagine in a few years we’ll both have changed (aGAIN) and it will be like we’re back at the beginning again anyway. Might as well sit tight.
Has anyone been married more than 25 years? Does it get even more intimate? Do we start to hear each other’s thoughts? Warn me.
14 responses to “Tim and Susan and Me”
Yes, I was sorry to hear about Susan and Tim too – they seemed such a well-suited couple in so many ways, and, as you say, it’s always disturbing when long-time relationships end.
Mine’s lasted 30 but it’s more a testament to endurance and the weight of shared history than anything else. Sometimes I think about how exciting it would be to feel that buzz again – but, on the other hand, could I handle all that explaining of back-story? And what about all those automatic catch-phrases, punchlines and references that would suddenly have no meaning?
It’s not just age and dumpiness that keeps couples together – it’s also thinking “Nah, I can’t be arsed with all that.” And pouring another cup of tea.
Big Dot – I know! In the ten years that Xman and I have been officially finished, done, kaput, I’ve forgotten all the little in-jokes we had, that catch-phrases, etc. I missed it a lot. A LOT.
I was startled by Tim and Sue, too. I just hope Sue is on her high-horse after her recent re-launch into fame.
And I am hardly a celeb fanatic since Brad and I broke up, but I was very sad that Brittany Murphy died.
I am so sad about Susan and Tim, and I totally don’t even know them.
I’m with someone, and our relationship has been, how shall I say it, f*-ed up, for quite some time. We were on for a year and a half, off for a year and a half, on for 5 years, off for 3, and now we’ve been back on for about 2. Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of our first date. Sometimes we still go for the candles and music, but we don’t live with each other every day.
So no, I can’t tell you if you hear each others thoughts. I doubt it.
I suspect that any public figure’s marriage is exponentially harder than the same marriage would be in private.
Have you ever done that thing, that stupid stupid thing where you say or do something indiscreet to or in front of a friend (or oh god forbid an in-law) to indicate a perhaps-passing irritation or annoyance with your partner? And then the friend (or oh god forbid in-law) repeats it in front of your partner?
And then everybody feels terrible except for the friend (or oh god forbid in-law)? (So, by “everybody,” I guess I mean “everybody in your marriage.”) And the friend (oogfi-l) stubbornly refuses to forget the stupid thing you mentioned stupidly because you’re stupid, and instead keeps an eye out for any sign of said annoyances recurring?
I suspect that for public figures, this happens all the time, except that the friend (oogfi-l) is, y’know, everybody watching “Access Hollywood” and reading “Gawker.”
I say this, after almost nine years, the sex just keeps getting hotter and hotter. And better and better. And Sue and Tim were never married. That means something. And good lord I would be so annoyed if I had to start over. GAH I mean, we have all this groviness that has been grown over these years. so there!! TMI from a young married!!Merry Christmas again 😉
I can’t even imagine being married.
Oh, and since I’ve got there first, MERRY CHRISTMAS everybody! I’m happy to report that it’s a sunny and cloudless blue day, the neighbours are barbecuing bacon and there are little kids wobbling on new bikes in the school carpark opposite. It’s a great day!
Wow. I hope my neighbors barbeque bacon tomorrow. Given the rain, probably not. But I can imagine the devine smells from that.My marriage is all of 11-1/2 years old. When I’m picking his socks off the living room floor, that’s older than God. When he remembers to throw away his cheese wrappers, it’s easy to see it lasting forever. That’s what a long-term relationship gets you – dirty socks and cheese wrappers.
Well, It’s been almost almost 45 years here. Don’t ask me any questions, and I will tell you no lies.I believe marriage is an institution, in all senses of the word.
Big Dot – I am integrating “I can’t be arsed with all that” into every conversation from now on. “Honey bring me a Dr. Pepper.” “I can’t be arsed with all that”Becs – True, no one else would shake his fist at State Farm without prompting.Tami – Now, see, some would call that a great relationship. You get the conquest part again and again very few years. It sounds very Burton-Taylor to me.Elsa- You got me thinking. That’s going to be the post Christmas post.Mrs hall – Nine years – HAH! HAH! I say. .75 – Its like having a roommate you cant get rid of ever.Big Dot – Theres a blizzzard in Kansas City, about 200 miles away, but oddly it isnt moving toward us.Hot Mom – It’s possible that in NZ “bacon” is slang for “bratwurst.” Gary has taken to throwing his socks into my steel drum.Hattie – Well, you have the last word, then. And I think it’s clear I need to be institutionalized.
No offense but that whole marriage thing just doesn’t sound all too exciting.
.75 – it’s nice to be able to visit your loved one in the icu and get all their money when they die, though. Thats a plus.
Well, I can see the downside of that, frankly. But I digress…
I did actually go Awwww! out loud and almost get a little teary-eyed when you mentioned Gary shaking his fist at State Farm. And I don’t even know the story. Tell?
That is the thing about starting over. It would be far too exhausting to have to explain all the shorthand phrases, literary references, eyebrow raises and hand signals to someone new. And for what? It’s like explaining a joke-totally not worth it. and imagine not being able to sit around farting and scratching in your sweatpants and dirty socks with someone-WHAT is the point!
gaoo – You know, I’m astonished I didnt relate that before. It isn’t post worthy: An uninsured driver ran into me and my SF insurance “agent” suggested I not place a claim. Then when I placed a claim he told me I was inhumane because the woman who hit me was on Welfare. He also complained about my tone.My fear is someday I will live with someone who expects my pajamas to be clean.