So, I wasn’t sure what to expect over Thanksgiving. The KC contingent (Sandy, Arzanna-fay and Arhan-fay) joined the Wonderfuls and the S_____s for the enormous turkey / dressing / cranberry / potato / pasta con broccoli / vegan tofurkey buffet.
Afterward, while we were working through our various issues with flatulence (Sandy), eructation (Karen), diarrhea (Gary), and my weekly 45-minute visit from Colin (it was Thursday), Wilma was quietly critiquing a Lush bath bomb Gary had brought her the month before.
“All this papery stuff came out of it! It was everywhere. I was afraid it would get in my TWAT.”
“AGGGHHHHHH! ” Gary screamed, while I asked, “Papery stuff?”
I have discussed the term TWAT with Wilma before, but this is the first time she heard Gary’s reaction. And if you are from a country friendly with the term TWAT, know that here it is only second to the other term, which is so heinous in our country I don’t even like to say the word “country.” “Twatry” would be a little preferable.
For an example of TWAT intolerance, the women on the cruise message board were comparing techniques for tidying up after the act, someone suggested hand towels, and someone said, “if they were next to your bed for the sole purpose of after-sex-clean up wouldn’t they be twat towels instead of hand towels?” That was promptly dinged by the moderator.
So, if the term TWAT is offensive to you, I fully understand. But, Back to Wilma complaining about TWAT-unfriendly Lush products.
Wilma said, “And I got in the bath before I dropped the bath ball in, too. Otherwise I’d have stayed out. A lady would never get in to the tub with all that stuff in it, If you know what I mean.”
“Why not?” our niece asked, because she hadn’t been paying attention, and now everyone was half paying attention.
“Well! Because it would get in your TWAT!” Wilma said, shocked.
Simultaneous screaming
Arzaana-fay: “VAGINA! VAGINA!”
Gary: “AGGGGHHHHH!”
Karen: “What? I call it a TWAT! Mom’s right.”
Sandy: “Hoo-ha! Hoo-ha!” (Evidently that’s the Muslim term.)
In response
Wilma: “It’s my TWAT! That’s not a bad word.”
Simultaneously
Me: “Wilma, it’s the second-worst thing you can call your vagina.”
Ken: “Why are we talking about your TWAT? The kids don’t want to hear about your TWAT!”
Gary (moaning): “Noooo!”
Karen: “What’s wrong with TWAT?”
Even after seeing the full group reaction, Wilma is still going to say TWAT, of course, because she is sweet and pure. Like in the Vagina Monologues, she’s taking back TWAT, and nothing will deter her.
TWWW…TWAAAA…TWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
16 responses to “The Title, Were I to Use it, Is NSFW”
The only thing that would be better about this story would be if it had taken place around the table. That would knock all those touching Thanksgiving thanksgiving accounts into a cocked hat (if you’ll pardon that expression).
You made me laugh so hard! My husband does the same thing when I say twat. He can’t stand it! He hates it when I burp too, so I do both as much as possible 😉
Oh the joys of Thanksgiving. I think if the word TWAT had come up at my mother-in-laws, she would have passed out then and there.
Oh the joys of Thanksgiving. I think if the word TWAT had come up at my mother-in-laws, she would have passed out then and there.
Yeeesh. I would’ve ran screaming from the room. But I suppose it’s good no one said “va-jay-jay” which always makes me cringe first then look around for a weapon to use against the perpetrator.
I wouldn’t last 5 seconds there.
I would have had to find a computer to look up the Wikisaurus Page https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Wikisaurus:vagina because I’m like that. There are far more euphemisms/synonyms for penis, by the way. The list is quite long. I guess it’s because people talk about it more.I think I will start calling it my ‘front bottom’.
If my husband’s mother or sister ever said the word twat at a family dinner I would keel over right then and there. In fact, I might as a result of typing that sentence.I’ll get back to you.
I think anyone with a vagina should be able to call it whatever she wants: pussy, twat, love box, hoohah, va-jay-jay, snatch, or even the C word that I can’t say or even type.Julie
You know Jeremy Clarkson, maybe? Top Gear? BBC motoring programme? (Lots of fun even for non-petrol heads, mainly because of the humour of the presenters.) Well in a column in the Sunday Times he said once that his wife makes a point of working the C-word into conversations with people she’s just met so she can see how they react. It’s a short-cut test to see if they’re her kind of people. Can you IMAGINE?
Big Dot – Actually, Wilma was still eating dessert, so technically, she was at the table.Floating Princess (Hi there, Floating Princess) – My husband’s least favorite word is “fart.” We are not allowed to use it at all.Magpie – At one point in the Twat conversation, someone shouted out “Diarhhea! Isn’t that what we usually talk about at Thanksgiving?” Because really, the table talk is all about gallbladders and symptoms and side effects.Scott – I think “va-jay-jay” was made for women like my Mother-in-law who thinks “Vagina” sounds dirtier than “twat.”.75 – Well, no, you wouldn’t. Then again Ken likes football, you’d talk about football the whole time.Sherri – I dont agree with their definition: “Sense: external female sexual organs” (unless something has gone horribly horribly wrong). Overflowing Brain – Stay with us! Hang in there!Julie – I know. A friend used the C word once (IN WRITING) and I was shocked.Big Dot – Oh, yes I can. He’s the older host though, is that right? I hear that the your folks today view c&^t the way we see bitch – It was bad in the old days, now it’s a mild term of enderment.
Oooh, no, still THE WORST word by far, both in the UK and here. We even got our national knickers in a twist a few years ago with a TV ad that used the word ‘Bugger’. https://youtu.be/ZUNJd06iyWU?si=h1YJgtWBn5nBzFE3 Whereas the Aussies, of course, famously used ‘bloody’ in their invitation to the rest of the world.
Big Dot – I recall the use of “Fuck” in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” – and then the “Bugger!” explosion in the church. It really is that bad? Is it “crap” bad or “shit” bad? Not bad at all here in the US. Kids are little buggers.
rofl!!!
NICE!!and no, no taking back the word used on 99% of porn sites.
Mrs. Hall – I need an app called “Twatter” so I can post instant messages about the state of my labia minora.