It is so awful I am putting this all into a jump, so you’ll have to click to get the whole story. And if you have a feed reader and you see everything, then I apologize.
June Cleaver says, “Run while you still can.”
[WARNING: DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGES AFTER THE JUMP.]
Okay, I gave you June, I gave you the title. So let’s talk about my vulva.
I went for a special visit to my OB-GYN today, because my pudenda has been miserable. I pad about the house clutching at it. Since last Thursday, it has:
1. Shed hair
2. Burned
3. Itched
4. Ached
5. Bled, just in spots, but clearly external blood
And that was just on the left side. Then the whole malaise packed up camp and moved to the right side, where it not only pulled exactly the same stunts but it took my dainty little labia minora and doubled its size. And believe me, I did the mirror squat enough times. It was a Fat Caterpillar.
Gary was called in to do several inspections himself. He brought in the flashlights and the magnifying glass and spelunked about. Things looked fine. That was before I got on the Internet.
I tried to diagnose it myself and all I could come up with was: Crotch Cancer, Cancer of the Cooze, See You Next Tuesday Cancer. Because I’m on Mystery Drugs, and I had all the symptoms. The next time I squatted, my labial lymph nodes looked enlarged and purple. That’s why I made an appointment with the OB-GYN, when I saw that change.
Naturally, all my complaints evaporated the day I had the appointment. Still, I sat be-papered on the exam table and listed my symptoms. “And then there were these nodes on my labia that looked big and purple, like varicose veins, kind of.”
“Yes. I was about to say that’s what all your symptoms point to.”
“Sorry?”
“Vulvar varicosity. Lean back and put you feet in the stirrups. Yep. That’s what you have. Varicose veins.”
ON. MY. VULVA.
And then I aged a hundred years. I remembered when I realized I needed bifocals to read the instructions on my lubricant bottle. I thought that was a defining moment. Well, varicose veins on your dainties will just catapult you into old age.
Evidently it happens to 4% of pregnant women, but is rare in non-pregnant women. I imagine that’s why they took a non-sterile urine test. TO SEE IF I’M PREGNANT AND HAVE VARICOSE VEINS ON MY VULVA.
ON. MY. VULVA.
KILL. ME. NOW.
Or maybe my vulva just hasn’t had enough exercise. I told you the circulation had slowed down there the last last few weeks.
14 responses to “In Which I Am Worried About The Beaver.”
Could be worse. It could be Crotch Cancer.
Or you could be pregnant.Congrats on the benign diagnosis.
This is all new to me, and leaves me with so many questions. Like – Do you get it from straining, or pressure on veins (that’s why they come with pregnancy, I assume)? They developed quickly? What happens now? “Complaints evaporated” – does that mean you’re ok now, I hope? No more bubblebaths? Eeeek!
All that stuff scares me and grosses me out. At least you had the guts to go to the gyn.
Oh, great. Something else to worry about.*sigh*I’m still not reconciled with needing 55 pairs of glasses to see anything.
With a title like that, I HAD to click. Glad you’re ok!
Holy crap! You can get them there too? So I always thought that my Spanx caused the ones on my thighs. Have you been binding your pudenda tightly? Wow, I can’t even imagine the freakout I’d have.
You needed to read the instructions on your bottle of lube?
I won’t complain about yeast infections anymore.
My dear…you never cease to fascinate me with this little factoids of life. This affliction is yet another thing I didn’t know about until I read your blog. Thanks,Erin the Hypochondriac(Also — I am glad you are okay.)
This has nothing to do with anything except you need to see this picture. No, really, you do.http://troublespots.wordpress.com/2008/09/04/loaf-of-bread-your-jugs-and-thee/Scroll down. and then mock. Because, well, it’s THERE.
3 – You are trying so hard not to be a Heartless Cow! Iss soo cuuuuute.~Silk – Well, here’s the deal: one symptom I didn’t get around to telling the dr was that the water pressure pump attached to my bladder had failed. It took forever to go, so this last month I’ve gotten impatient and had to “push” things along … just to save time. So I think that’s really what caused it. And it just went away on its own – Unlike leg veins, I guess. I just looked and it’s all gone, thanks be to the baby Jesus.Becs – Well, I’d rather Gary look than look it right in the “eye” but I will if I have to.Sherri – Keep your vulva active! That’s the trick to avoiding it. Shania – Thank you!Amy in StL – No, in fact I just lost 12 pounds so my pants are loose.TasterSpoon – Shutup! I had the same question everyone has, does it go on your or him or both.JO – I thought it WAS a yeast infection. So, maybe …Erin G – There is also Vaginal Atrophy. I found out about that while researching this. Watch out.Sherri – Oh, NO WAY is that real!
Wow. Who’d a thunk such a thing possible?
Magpie – Whoulda thunk this: I share my great shame and humliation and no one comments with “LOL.” You all are getting wise.