If I were a male celebrity I would be Richard Quest, CNN reporter, Not because he affects the “lively” air when he’s reporting on the royal family and the serious air when he’s anchoring on CNN International. I would be Richard Quest, because he was arrested in Central Park and found to have a sex toy tucked in his boot and an apparently unrelated rope tying his neck to his genitals.
I would so do that. I would do that if I were a man.
I would also do what Dick Cavett wrote about in his autobiography. He put his penis in the hose attachment and turned the vacuum on. (And promptly peed all over the rug.) I’d do that in a heartbeat. Household appliances are fair game. Who among us has not had an intimate relationship with the washer and the spin cycle, or its cousin, the dryer, if there was sufficient time?
You know what else I would do? This isn’t sexual, but if I were a woman running for president, I would say something like “My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won theCalifornia primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We allremember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don’t understand it.” I would so totally say that. And then Keith Olbermann would break his pencil and yell at me for even daring to refer to an assassination during this of all primary seasons. I would make the mistake of not punching the word “June.”
Plus, I would so totally have sex in the Oval Office with an intern if I got in.
2 responses to “I Would Do That”
Um, yeah. Looks like you’ve given this a lot of thought.
Melissa – Well, not thought so much as sympathy. If I suddenly because a newscaster or a person people respected I would be so screwed. I would be speaking at a commencement address and Ben-Wa balls would suddenly fall out and roll at my feet. Well, no, I don’t see their appeal, but something like that would happen.