Years ago, I tried to soothe my tattered cuticles with the heavy-duty hand lotion at left.
(SO many years ago that the packaging was just the word HEMP in big bold letters. No affected French, no ironic leaf.)
I tried it on in the bathroom at the mall. My fingertips plumped right up. It was like rubbing lard on my hands. I went back and bought six tubes that same day.
Then, I brought it home. Gary caught a whiff of it, and screamed like a seagull being frappéd in a blender.
“Aaaaaeeeieii! I can’t breathe! What is that? It’s making my eyes water! My throat is closing up! Oh my GOD! I’m going into anaphylactic shock!”
Now, Gary’s been to concerts. I know he doesn’t react that way to a dried, processed hemp smell. Still, after the incident when I tried to sneak some of it on while I was at Mom’s, and he stormed out of the house, I just took it to work.
All this to say: it is Gary’s birthday. Be warned, readers (particularly Lush readers), if you receive a gift, do not turn the bottle around and read the ingredients out loud.
“Ooooo!” Gary cooed, “You got me Sonic Death Monkey Body Wash! Mmmm … it smells good. It’s got coffee … and lime … and -” (HEMP SCREAM) “Hemp Oil!”
I can’t wait till shower time tomorrow morning, when the steam interacts with the hemp oil and suffocates him.
13 responses to “Hempy Birthday, Dear Gary”
Sonic Death Monkey smells awesome. I think the hemp oil is far enough down in the ingredients list to not be a problem.
Is he aware it’s not the same hemp? There are several varieties of hemp plant, only one of which is “interesting”. The other boring varieties are used for rope, oil, a linen-like fabric, and so on. Not the same thing at all.
Happy Birthday Gary!
I want a sonic death monkey for my birthday! Here’s to hoping that there’s not post-birthday anaphylaxis.
Queen? Oh, Queeeeenie. I tagged you. Don’t hate me. You can find it at my site.
Even my aged mother who is alergic to damn near everything – in the past she has gotten two bracelets at the hospital – isn’t allergic to hemp. And it’s not like he’s inhaling bits of it off your hands.
*snicker* Isn’t it a delight being married? I got my husband Sonic Death Monkey for Christmas and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t know though, that sometimes I use it, and it’s often on those days when says “hey, you smell nice!” 🙂 Men.
I have to side with Gary.I am not allergic, but I am very sensitive to scents. Most “scents” are odors to me, and noxious odors at that. My eyes burn and my head stops up and I start coughing. I don’t go anywhere near perfume counters in department stores. I can’t stand burning incense, scented candles, aerosol sprays with “bouquets of freshness”, those stinky plug in fan things, just to name a few. I had to ask John to stop wearing his colognes and scented deodorants. I would be better off standing next to a skunk’s patoot than most Lush customers. I wasn’t always this way, it has gotten worse over time.It’s really not much fun.
Kathy – It’s a very natural Tootsie Roll smell.~~Silk – He doesn’t know. Well, I didn’t know. I did wonder why rope doesn’t smell like pot, though.Catherine the Red – He says thanks!Katie – He’s already gone back and bought some for his other sister, just for the name.Candy – No, that looks like a good meme. I have to think about it a day or so though.Amy in StL – Well, the reviews of the Hemp lotion on e-Pinions all said it stinks. I think Gary might be using “allergy” loosely.Kim – Gary hasn’t tried it yet. He tried one of the others … Hippie Yippie? Some grapefruit smell he likes.Zayrina – Well, I would give Gary as much sympathy as I give you, except he never has that reaction when the scent is on him. His aftershave, his face splash, his nasty Brut deodorant – these all smell pleasant to him. Plus, you ASKED John to stop wearing the scents, you didn’t scream even though you claimed to be unable to breathe. But I will try to be more compassionate.
Happy Birthday, Gary!And I’ve used some of your hand lotion. Once. It reeks.
Caroline – Yes. I remember. But it worked, though.
Happy Birthday Gary! I need some of that hand lotion now. This winter has been killer on my hands, with all the hand washing going on in fighting the Canadian Death Cold. Sorry about the anaphylactic shock. That’s gotta suck out loud.
Kate – Ahhh … But at least it wasn’t the Canadian MAN Cold.