There are some phrases that set off my red flashing BS indicator. These phrases are:
“I don’t have a bigoted bone in my body”
This may or may not be followed by “but…” but it always means the same thing. It means, “I am about to say the most bigoted thing you have ever heard.”
“That is unacceptable”
As soon as I hear a prim, “Well, that
is unacceptable,” the conversation is over for me. Sorry you can’t
accept reality. That’s a shame. I know other people who are accepting.
“I’m a very spiritual person”
This is usually coupled with The Jazz Hands of Sincerity laid across the speaker’s breast. Picture Mahatma Gandhi saying, “I’m a very spiritual person.” You can’t. Paris Hilton considers herself a very spiritual person.
What phrases trigger your BS alarm?
28 responses to “Dangerous Words”
But do you know what *is* unacceptable? The goddamn twenty-fifth anniversary edition of Michael Jackson’s Thriller – COMPLETE WITH REMIXES BY STUPID FERGIE AND AKON AND GOD KNOWS WHO ELSE.UN. AC. CEPTABLE.
“I love you.”Always makes me narrow my eyes with suspicion.
The Jazz Hands of SincerityPermission to steal this phrase
“I wouldn’t know, I never watch television.””I don’t care if you’re white, black, yellow or pink with purple polkadots, but when it comes to….” It seems like when someone throws in the polkadot category while pontificating on race relations, it’s always gonna be something racist.
“I don’t mean to be rude” Yes you do. You just don’t want to get in trouble for it.”I’m listening.” Yea, okay. Ah ha. Ah ha.
“I gotta be honest with you”. Really? Because up to know you’ve been lying?
“I’m pretty humble”……
“To be perfectly honest”… or “Frankly…” both of which seem to come from people who are about to either lie to you or screw you.My other least favorite is “I’ve been doing it this way for 20 years”. and therefore it’s okay to build it wrong? Make it inaccessible?
My husband says “I’m as liberal as the next guy” right before he makes a racial joke of some kind. Drives me f***ing nuts. You’re as liberal as the next guy? Which guy do you mean, dear? Rush Limbaugh?
Hmmm, I would like to know where I can buy one of these alleged BS Alarms. I generally believe people so I could really use one.
“I’m a great tipper.”When you are a waitress and here that from a customer, you know you’re getting less than 10%. It’s fucking pathological or something.
I know people will hate me for this one, but I really can’t stand being told to “have a blessed day”. The first time I ever heard that phrase I actually laughed out loud.
I’m pretty skeptical about everything these days. My finger is always on the BS alarm, and that’s pretty sad.This doesn’t really fit the category, but I always hate it when people ask, “Can I ask you a question?”Just ask your damn question!!!
Not quite in the catagory, but I recall over 25 years ago, I waited tables for a living, and 9 times out of 10 when you gave the man the check he would say, “I’m not staying for the drawing”. I would always laugh hollowly, as if I hadn’t heard the same stupid, tired joke over and over from him and every other stupid man who ate there.
An interruption in my story, a smug ring in the voice and a “You know what you SHOULD do –” followed by The Most Obvious Solution.Look, I know….but sometimes I just wanna bitch, ok?
“This is a great opportunity.”Generally prefacing a TASK that the speaker is generously passing to me. Sorry, a task is not an “opportunity,” unless you mean it’s an opportunity for you to give me the work!
“I just need you to come to my office for a minute.””We’ve always done it this way.””Back when I was a _____”
Any sentence that starts with “I’m sorry, but…” You aren’t sorry. You’re going to say something you think I don’t want to hear, and you are trying to make me think you feel bad about it. Or you just want me to go the hell away.I know that’s what it means because when I’m working phones, that’s what *I* say, and that’s what *I* am thinking.Also “Yes, Dear.” I know perfectly well it means “Whatever, Bitch.”In fact, the phrase “I’m sorry” is an incomplete sentence. I always want to know what comes next. Usually the unspoken part is something like “I’m sorry you found out what a rotten thing I did. I thought I’d covered it up.” or “I’m sorry I got caught.” or “I’m sorry that you found out I am a lying, manipulative bitch and really not your friend.”At least, that’s how it usually works out when you really push the question.
“Are you doing anything on Sunday?”I’ve had to train myself to say, “Yes. All day.”
As others have said – “In all honesty…” LYING”I have an exciting opportunity I’d like to tell you about.” RUN”Can I tell you something?” the thing that follows will be rude, crude, insensitive or bigoted.”To my mind…” their mind hasn’t been open since 1963.
All – Now I can’t believe I could only think of three …
“I don’t really like to talk about myself…” BS to the UMPTEENTH degree!
Autumn – True for both sexes
I’m the submission editor for our school’s literary magazine and someone just sent me a submission that was completely mis-formatted and mislabeled. Included was a message that he found our submissions guidelines to be “complicated and unacceptable.” I thought of this as I deleted it without logging the entry. 🙂
I’ll chime in on “frankly,” though (frankly) my experience is slightly different from Rita’sl when I hear it, “frankly” usually precedes a straight-up vicious personal remark.
Erin – there is hope for the next generation!Elsa – frankly, Elsa, I agree with you.
“Your call is important to us…”
sgazzetti – Ah! Good one! Kind of like the “We apologize for any inconvenience” on the London Subway. OH and thanks for introducing some readers to the double-arrow link at the bottom of the comments. So often people ignore the double arrows when they see them. I know this because I can see people reading half of January, then half of February, etc., because Typepad makes that double-arrow link so tiny.