All I know is we were putting gifts in piles on Christmas Eve. I was at the in-laws with the whole (Christmas-observing) crowd: Gary, Karen, Karen’s husband (Mr. Wonderful), Ken, Wilma, me.
As I bent over my pile, there were footsteps behind me. The last thing I heard was Karen bossing her husband, demanding he help me with my present pile.
Then I felt him my PAT MY ASS.
It’s like when heroes report diving into the water to save drowning victims: I didn’t think, I just reacted. My spine snapped straight up and I heard myself haughtily pronounce:
“You did not just pat my ass.”
Luckily, I was pivoting to skewer him with a withering glare, and I faced him by the time I got to “ass,” so it came out:
“You did not just pat my – oh, hi hon. It’s you.”
“What the hell?” Gary grimaced at me.
This is what happens when you have a husband named Gary, a brother-in-law also named Gary, and a sister-in-law who uses an equally bossy tone with both.
6 responses to “In Which My Brother-in-Law Almost Gets It”
Oops!
Years ago I patted a strange man on the ass in a bookstore. As I did the patting, I whispered, “hey handsome, lets go home and make love”. Now I don’t normally pat strange men on the ass, nor do I proposition them but as it was, he was the same general build as my then husband, same hair color, and was wearing jeans and a navy windbreaker just as the ex was. He did not slap me, instead he turned around and said, “hey there”. He probably thought it was great. For the same attentions for which women would slap, men preen.
Caroline – Yes I should have said, “Honey, thank you for patting my ass! Right in front of Karen, too”Zayrina – I’m trying to imagine what Gary would do if he were patted. He’d chuckle and then come over and tell me about it over and over all day. “Let’s go through the drive through at Starbucks. Hey, maybe the barista will come out and pat my ass!” It would never end.
My husband was just telling me yesterday that his hardware store of choice is based on the fact that one day a cute girl flirted with him while he was checking out. I guess he hopes to run into her again. So if you’re ever at the Ace hardware on Zumbehl and see my husband, give his ego a wink.
That.Was.Awesome. That’s so something that I would do.
Caroline – Hey! Ace Hardware people ARE flirts. Have him try out the Hwy 94 one.Autumn – Well, you can’t have random men patting your ass. Gotta slap them down if they try.