Ten years ago, on my thirty-fifth birthday, I was putting on my socks. And, let me warn anyone who is thirty-five: if you are putting on your socks, do not glance in the mirror.
“Auuugh! I’m a huge fat cow!”
Gary shrugged, “Gotta expect that.”
“No! Why? Why do I have to expect that?”
“Change of life. You’re thirty-five now.”
I tromped over and stood in front of him, naked but be-socked, hands on hips.
“Gary, are you under the impression that the day you hit thirty-five, it’s like Logan’s Run? Boom! Change of Life! Overnight you get fat and saggy and by the end of the day you’ve gone all the way through menopause?”
(Actually, if he believed this it would not surprise me, because he misunderstood a great deal while getting his biology degree. For years he thought human gestation was six months, because that’s what it is for horses.)
While it didn’t happen ten years ago, and it didn’t happen overnight, life has changed fairly rapidly over the last two years or so. It’s been just an excellent change. Life was pretty good before, too, so I’m quite content.
I thought of this tonight when I kissed Gary and he pulled away.
I sighed, “What? What is wrong?”
“Have you taken your birth control pills?”
Even though I haven’t had a period for at least three years, I still take the pills since the GYN says I still have all my hormones. Biology says that Life has not Changed; the Meno has not Paused.
“Yes, Gary, I always take them. Why?”
“Well, you know about Change of Life babies. They happen because the women’s hormones go crazy and they start wanting babies and then, boom, they get all horny and pregnant because they’re so extra fertile.”
Seriously, right now he could outline clearly and scientifically a cure for cancer and I would assume he is full of crap.
7 responses to “Change of Life”
Uhhh…The larger the animal, the longer the pregnancyElephant 22 months ( 660 days )Horse 11 months ( 330 days )Cow 9.5 months ( 285 days )Human 9 months ( 275 days )Sheep 4.5 months ( 144 days )Pig 4 months ( 114 days )Dog 2 months ( 61 days )Cat 2 months ( 61 days )Rabbit 1 month ( 31 days )Mouse 3 weeks ( 20 days )I have to wonder if you don’t misrepresent Gary somewhat here. It is hard to imagine that a man, who is as insensitive as you often describe him to be. is still alive, and that you haven’t bludgeoned him to death in a hormone driven frenzy.Does he have an “equal time” blog?
“Change of life. You’re thirty-five now.”So I have one good year left, then?I’m waiting for that so-called “biological clock” to kick in. So far, nothing. Inexplicably, I got a diaper sample in the mail and my first thought was, “Oh, this would look so cute on my cat.” Maybe that is a sign. (Or I’m well on my way to being the crazy cat lady.)
Kathy – I’m 47 – haven’t even begun to experience premenopause yet, so Gary is a bit off in his biological assumptions.As for my biological clock, it is still in the box and that kitten at the pet store last night was very cute!
I’m 47 and according to my doctor who ran some tests, I am indeed in premenopause. I went to him because I wanted to know why in the hell I’ve gotten so large in the last year. It’s like someone put a hose in me and blew me up bigger than a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. No kidding. Change of life sucks big time in the gaining weight department.
Oh, now I’m depressed. KC has led me to believe I’m to get even BIGGER when I finally “change”?? I’m 50 and haven’t yet. Ye, gods… what kind of a trick IS this?Um…just for the record, I happened to love Logan’s Run. I know, I know. Make fun of me all you want.
Love the Logan’s Run reference. “There… is… no… Sanctuary!” /35, and I’ll be damned if I accept that my warranty expired on my birthday. But I don’t look in the mirror when I put on socks, either.
Zayrina – No, but he has a number of people who sympathize with him at his work. AND – last night I asked him “Gary, do you remember what animal gestates for six months and made you think humans did that too?””Rabbits””It can’t be rabbits, I’m looking at this list in Wikipedia and they only are pregnant one month. Oh well, I’ll say horse, because they are pregnant about 330 days, and 5 times 6 is 30, so thats about 6 months.” I don’t follow my own logic either, but last night that math was solid, I swear.Kathy – I’ve been waiting for that clock to kick in too. Hasn’t happened. Perhaps other women think every time they get horny it’s their clock?Pageycooks – Clock in a Box! That’s a song awaiting to be written.KC – Yes, but you know, everything else is SO much better. It seems like a fair trade off. If Gary would just suddenly find my fat erotic everything would be ideal.Sue – Have faith. I think my Mom lost weight. OH and I WILL MOCK YOU for loving Logan’s Run. Except Michael York is a sweet baby.Tracy27 – Well, I never look in the mirror at all now. But when God adds fat, he taketh away suffering.