Gary was on a tear today as we drove to his Mom’s birthday celebration. He was behind on buying birthday gifts for his Mom because yesterday the batteries in his computer room were exuding some type of noxious gas. (“ACID gas!” Gary screams.)
The pressure was on today, this morning, and we sped to the mall to make decoy purchases so Wilma would not begin to suspect that DVD box sets cost more than $9. I was in a bad mood too, so I took to agreeing loudly with Gary every time he screamed.
For example, we passed a church that had someone directing traffic so the attendees could exit the parking lot in a timely manner.
Gary screamed, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?”
Instead of my usual placating reaction, I screamed, “JESUS FREAKS! YOU DON’T OWN THIS ROAD!”
“What is YOUR problem?” Gary asked.
“I’m just agreeing with you, hon. – YEAH, FAT ARMS, YOU NEED TO GET TO THE IHOP BEFORE ANYONE ELSE DOES! WHAT THE HELL! – What’s wrong? Can’t I express myself to my own husband?”
This anti-religious theme carried over into Wilma’s actual celebration. Karen got her a bath and beauty gift bag with a Spiritual theme. For example, one of the gifts was this (and I so want you to see it I won’t even make you click a link):
“What makes them religious,” Gary wondered aloud, “Are they made with holy water?”
“Maybe they’re blessed by a priest,” Karen shrugged.
“They use votive candle wax in the Holy Chapstick,” I offered.
Wilma also got this:
Who writes the copy for this?
“You have to move product AND mention Jesus! Plus, don’t forget the price.”
“How do I tie the moisturizer in to Jesus?”
“Uh, it contains water, just like the Dead Sea does … did? I mean, you could say it’s Holy water, but that would be a lie.”
“I still don’t think it’s ‘Jesus-y’ enough. Can I change ‘pampering’ to ‘flagellating?’”
“Oh, let’s just hang a cross on it and that’ll do it.”
9 responses to “Lip Balm of Gilead”
ROFLMFAO! Since the Pope decided all unbaptized babies go to heaven, maybe this merchandise is from the going-out-of-business sale in Limbo.
I loved this post more than bacon. Thank you so much for causing me to see this without all the hassle and so forth of having to click on a link.I want Jesus Knocking on my lips.Preparing skin for maximum absorption,[signed]
*groan* This is just so wrong!
They could market a great exfoliating scrub. How about, “The Shroud of Turin Peel-Off Masque.”Or body-building shampoo with real jojoba FROM THE CROSS.How about a clay-based eye-makeup remover – “put a dime-sized amount of this in your hand, spit in it, and rub it on your eyes…you’ll be amazed what you can see – no more wrinkles!”
Do they have any sort of wrinkle reducer? Because if anyone can get rid of nasty crow’s feet, it’s Jesus.
There are no words…And in regards to my email fiasco…he won’t calm down and have things return to happy and sunny…probably will just stay dark and cloudy…but I guess that’s the way it is sometimes.
Personally, I found the Gallilee Douche most refreshing.
Friend #3- how about placenta shampoo made only from Limbo baby placentas?Sgazzetti-How about Saint Francis of Assisi? Do you think that lip balm was tested on animals?Sue – it is wrong, wrong, wrong. Money-changers in the temple!Taster – I actually think a shroud peel-off masque is an excellent idea! Carrie – isn’t there a legend in which little Jesus makes birds of clay, claps his hands and they fly away? I think we could work that into a crowsfeet remedy write-up.Autumn – He’s a tool. Better off without him. Friend #3 – You are just disgusting. And you didn’t go with Dead Sea Douche? Really?
Thanks to you and your in-laws, it’s only April and I’ve got my holiday shopping done!