Today, a co-worker related to me a conversation she’d had with her husband. She was telling me she’d warned him he’d be getting an economical Christmas gift. Except, as she repeated the conversation, she said:
“Honey, I just want you to be aware that I’m not getting you a very big gift this year, since we’re on such a tight budget. I’m concerned you might take it personally, so I’m letting you know it’s due to our circumstances rather than any other factor.”
“You lie,” I protested, “You did not talk to your husband that way.”
“What way?” asked the Quality Assurance Goddess who evidently thinks in complete sentences with parenthetical phrases.
“That formally,” I said. “I’d have told Gary: ‘I’m broke, you’re screwed. Sorry.’”
Then I remembered another co-worker I’d heard complimenting one of her clients on a recent promotion. “Oh, I’m just so pleased. I know you’ve worked hard to achieve that. Congratulations on your new position.”
“What client was that?” I asked. Turned out it was her husband.
So, I vowed I’d speak to my husband in complete sentences all night. I tried to imagine the response that would elicit. Would he ask if I was drunk? Would he answer? Would he grab my breast disrespectfully? I tried to, but I couldn’t picture what would happen.
I decided to ask him if he needed me to come along to finish the Christmas shopping. “Gary,” I imagined saying, “Would it bother you too much if I opted out of the remaining Christmas shopping?”
I tried it after dinner.
“Gary -“
“Did you SEE what they did to the park? It was devastated! A big backhoe went through and dug up tree roots!”
“Yes, I saw that on the way to work. So, Gary, would it bother you -“
“Do you want any more of those crackers?”
“No. Hush for a minute. Would it bother you if I opted out of the – “
“Oh! Did I tell you about Aunt Dorothy? We have to send her a card for her birthday, it’s her … her …”
“Eightieth.”
“CAN I FINISH my SENTENCE?” he roared. “AM I ALLOWED to finish a THOUGHT?”
“Sorry.”
“Eightieth birthday. THANK you! Now, what did you want to say?”
“I’m done shopping. You’re on your own.”
8 responses to “I Attempt to Emulate My Co-Workers”
Ha!(That counts as a complete sentence, right? I mean, I don’t know what I can add to it to make it more formal.)
I believe the actual conversation went more like:Honey, I hope you won’t be disappointed in your Christmas presents this year. I didn’t spend much since we’re on a tight budget. But I think you’ll like them and I got a hell of a deal on one of them.You know… not that I was present for the conversation in question or anything. ;-)”I’m concerned you might take it personally…” pshaw!
Luckily, I can actually use complete sentences when speaking with my husband. However, his eyes glaze over when I do so.Now, a conversation with my mother is quite a bit like the one you had with your husband. Frustrating, but funny also.
Ellen, I admire your efforts to speak in a civilized manner with your husband. I may attempt a similar social experiment this evening in my own home.
Gout makes it hard to talk in complete senteces.
And to spell, it would appear.An aside to my St. Louis friends: to clarify Melati’s obsession with Gout, see: http://tequilastakescroquet.blogspot.com/2005/11/age-dont-mean-your-smart.htmland alsohttp://tequilastakescroquet.blogspot.com/2005/11/tapas-and-grudges.html
Me and gout just don’t get along.
To speak that way, do you have to prepare the whole sentence in advance and say it over in your head? I think I would have to. I don’t know how people speak in paragraphs. I think over the holiday I’ll start calling my parents “Mother” and “Father,” and see how that plays out.