Gary visited his family while I visited my mom today, and while things were exciting at the Queen Mother’s as she gathered her servants, Gary reported the S_____ family was abuzz with chaos and other such goings-on. In particular, he had two crises to report.
Crisis Story #1: Karen, Mr. Wonderful, and their dogs George and Gracie were at the O’F______ dog show. Suddenly a giant pit bull knocked Karen (recent back surgery patient) to the parking lot and put Gracie’s head entirely in its mouth! Mr. Wonderful pried the pit bull’s mouth open and extracted Gracie’s entire head. Karen and Gracie had to be taken to the hospital.
News Update: Later, it was discovered that Karen was not knocked down and did not visit the hospital. Mr. Wonderful did pry open the pit bull’s mouth, and that is the important part. However, all the pit bull’s teeth were worn down to nubbins, so little Gracie was only gummed by the pit bull. However, I admit that is still bad.
Crisis Story #2: Gary’s eighty-two year old dad Ken was up on his roof cleaning out the gutters yesterday. Sure, he is EIGHTY-TWO, but he keeps it safe. He no longer walks across the roof, he scoots around on his rear. I am in favor of this. I can hear myself when Gary is eighty-two. “Get up there! Your father was cleaning the gutters at your age!”
However, yesterday as Ken was scooting around the rooftop it became a matter of shingles versus sweatpants, and shingles won. Ken scooted a big hole in his sweatpants. Faithful readers will know this is a problem, because Ken eschews frivolities like underwear. (“They’re hot!”)
So there was Ken, up on his roof sporting bare buttocks that were also bruised and bloody. (And probably blackened.) I’m sure he considered just staying up there till cover of night, then sneaking down the ladder with his rear spurting fountains of blood. However, Wilma came out and coaxed him down.
Developing Story: This story is completely accurate. Ken’s tushie is in bad shape and he may not be allowed up on the roof again.
One response to “Gary Brings News From His Family”
I hope I never witness my FIL like this. Ew. Ick. Must clean my brain.