Letters, I Save Letters

I think I was in sixth grade when the book “How to Eat Fried Worms” by Thomas Rockwell came out. Each of us had to write the author and say how much we liked the book. I wrote about how I had been giggling about his book in Math class with Jane Hoffman, and she and I started talking about Navel Worms, and Pickled Worms, and I was asked to spend the rest of Math class in the library.

We were very thrilled when he wrote back. The teacher passed out his reply, which had the line: “I enjoyed all your letters, but I especially enjoyed Mary’s letter about accidentally eating a worm and Ellen’s letter about being thrown out of Math class.” I kept that letter ALL MY LIFE. I really wanted to see it again, especially when I saw the trailer for the movie.

I sorted through my box of letters, and while I couldn’t find his letter (OR the letter to M&M/Mars proving that Christmas M&Ms, Easter M&Ms et al were all MY idea), I found many other eye-opening old letters. In reverse chronological order:

Gary’s letters: Awwwww. Made me cry, so sweet. And quite witty and urbane. He also wrote me a pretty good poem that I did not appreciate at the time. I had some complaint; it didn’t use my name, some stupid twenty-year old whine. I was a blind idiot.

Dave Bassett’s letters: Started to read them (just for a little private mock-fest) and it hurt. It hurt, I tell you, to read his sappy letters. He was such an eager little puppy. I was a blind idiot. I should have had the balls to break up with him.

Michael’s letters: This is where it got strange. I remember Michael’s (never Mike’s) letters, or I thought I did. I re-read what I thought of as “The Letter in Which Michael’s Insecurity Really Comes to the Fore.” Reading it with a forty-year old’s eyes I now see it as “The Letter In Which Michael Justifiably Complains When His Girlfriend Has Her Other Boyfriend Dave (see above) Come For a Weekend Visit.” I was a blind idiot. The “Oh, So You’re Engaged? Well, I’m Going to Yale, Bitch” letter is actually very sweet and if I got a Mellon Fellowship to Yale I’d mention it too.

Paul’s letters: I had no recall whatsoever that my friend Carol’s brother wrote me letters in college! After I sorted them by date, I realized Carol’s brother sent me letters from college every single day. They were very funny and charming. I was a blind idiot. At the time I only read them for any scrap aside mention of his roommate, my ex-boyfriend Joe.

Joe’s letters: Yeeeaaaahhh…my high-school sweetheart wrote great letters until he started exhorting me to have faith in the Lord. Then he promised me he would pray for me. I was a blind idiot.

The Convict’s letters: What was I doing writing a convict? I was a blind idiot! I asked Mom and she said she wrote convicts too.

Jessica Chappell’s letters: Finally, I have two letters from a girl named Jessica Chappell. I have no idea who she is. I have her picture. She looks kind of familiar. She seems to know me. At this point I was thinking “Did I have a sister I don’t remember? I missed that whole Paul thing.”

So. if you know this child:

…well, let me know. Evidently we corresponded. The postmark said she was in Santa Barbara California. I never appreciated Jess when she was in my life, I guess. I am a blind idiot.