Auntie Dearest

Gary and I differ on the role of the Aunt. Technically, I’m an Aunt-in-Law, because my brother has no kids, but Gary’s sister Sandy has the two kids, Arhan-fay and Arzaana-fay.

Gary and I have had many conversations about the kids. They all boil down to this:

Step One: Gary asks for information about the kids. This is usually after he has heard the exaggerated version that has gone through the Sandy filter and the Wilma filter, their mother and grandmother respectively. Both are inclined to exaggerate, so he generally checks with me to get the other side. So:

Gary: I hear Arhan-Fay is having unprotected sex with multiple partners!
Me: Uh..well, I know that his sister refers to his new girlfriend as “sloppy seconds” because she dated one of his best friends first. Is that what you mean?
Gary: Yes, like I said! Unprotected sex! Multiple partners!

Step Two: Gary asks me what I’ve said to the kids about this recent crisis.

Gary: So, what have you told the kids about having sex?
Me: Uh…keep the sperm away from the eggs.
Gary: No! NO! Tell them just not to have SEX.
Me: You know he’s twenty-one, right?
Gary: I don’t care how old he is! No SEX.
Me: You know I’m not his Mom, right?
Gary: Just tell him to never have sex! It’s simple! Why don’t you get this?
Me: You know, taking that view is what makes people not pack protection and then they get pregnant and –
Gary (shouting): No SEX! NO SEX!

There is no Step Three any more. I used to argue, but now I just say “Okay, hon, I’ll tell them. No sex. You betcha.”

Now, I know in Gary’s family all the Aunts view themselves as Backup Moms. And I know it was effective because the twenty-one year old Gary wasn’t having sex (NO SEX!). The ostrich coping technique was evidently successful in his case. Plus, I know Gary’s family thinks Arzanna-fay listens to me. I think that’s why it maddens Gary that I tell her “Don’t drink” – but only until she drinks. Then I say, “Don’t drink and drive.” Whereas Gary would have me say “Don’t drink! NO DRINKING! And no more wire hangers! EVEEEERRRRR!”