Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Category: In Which We Mock the Queen Mother

  • Chapter One: I Am Born

    I thought I’d told everyone the extended version of the first anecdote of my life: In Which I Am Born With an Extra Thumb. Strangely, I can’t find it out there. So here it is. =============================================== Mom, having had a child already, was all too happy to get the heavy-duty drugs when I arrived. I…

  • Observed in Our Living Room and Kitchen

    Scene: Expanded “Great room / eating area / kitchen” area in our almost-paid-off starter house. (——->)Mom’s leftover remaining remains are on top of the fridge. Gary complained from the kitchen, “The only place to put these snacks is on top of the fridge, and that’s where your Mom is.”I answered from the couch in the…

  • How cute is this?

    How cute is this?

    I was looking through Mom’s old writings.   1. What struck me at first was that she signed it “Marge” instead of Margaret. In 1956, Mom was 20. 2. This particular short story was a narrative of how she and her roommate Nanci murdered their housemother. 3. Interestingly, she experimented a little with Margi. Note…

  • Post-its From the Great Beyond

    Post-its From the Great Beyond

    The day began with a huge fight with Gary. It’s my fault, I’ll often find that I’ll work something out in my head, make a decision, then Gary will submit to me all the same arguments I had worked through, and it’s frustrating, because shut up, shut up! I already thought that out. Just do…

  • I Smell Like Chanel

    I Smell Like Chanel

    Since the Mom Death File Instructions specify that we let her friends take something from the house to remember her by, Dave and I have been hoarding heirlooms before the MomFest on Saturday. (We don’t know what to call it; there’s no service, so it isn’t a memorial service. It isn’t a visitation or a…

  • Bad News, Good News

    Bad news:Arthur C. Clarke is dead Good news:…dead, at NINETY ……after suffering from POST-POLIO SYNDROME (like Mom) ……which he has suffered with since the SIXTIES! By my calculations, this means Mom has another twenty, thirty years in her. (This news was so great I kept it to myself for a day, somehow forgetting to push…

  • The Lunch Table Turns

    The Queen Mother found herself sandwiched by doctor’s appointments today. The lung doctor at 1:30, GP at 10 and no food for 12 hours beforehand. So at lunch she was hungry enough to take the step of dining out in public. Mom’s dined out in public before of course, but not since her arms went…

  • Mom Brushes Her Teeth

    Mom Brushes Her Teeth

    Mom let me watch her as she brushed her teeth today. For future reference in case one ever has limited use of ones arms: 1. Design an Arm Prop (patent pending) made of an inverted new toilet plunger sawed in half and affixed to a stand, so. 2. Hold electric toothbrush in right hand and…

  • The Haul

    The Haul

    In honor of the season and her sturdy teeth, I bought the Queen Mother some candy for Christmas. I also got her a book with large print, in honor of her literacy and poor eyesight. Then, in May when we had encountered armadillos in Memphis on the way to the BNL concert, she told us…

  • Mom Meets Manbitch

    I was driving Queen Mom about this afternoon, having taken a half-vacation day, and who pulls up beside us and honks but Manbitch? We rolled down our respective windows and after some pleasantries, I gestured to Mom and introduced her. Mom leaned forward and yelled across to Manbitch: “She is so mean to me!” (Pause…