Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: November 2024

  • Bladder Botox update: opinion improved

    I got two UTI tests in as many weeks. Both test came back clear, which made me wonder if I am some kind of UTI hyper-specific hypochondriac. Now I have decided I just wasn’t drinking enough water, which also contributed to my belief that the recent bladder botox was ineffective. It was effective, I just…

  • The Vote

    I just woke up. and yelled a profanity so loudly it got Gary out of bed. Gary is surprisingly cheerful. I asked why, and he showed me a long conspiracy email he sent to Rachel Maddow in the wee hours. “She can do something about it. Let it be on her head.” I said “I…

  • Gary has lopped off his hair and now I’m a hair stylist

    Now that he has lopped off his ponytail, Gary has purchased these hair styling implements for me. And why do I get to play hair stylist? Gary feels no one else will want to touch him because he does have these unsightly scales all over. His plan is for me to take him out on…

  • Sunset Boulevard

    I was watching The Late Show and saw a relentlessly positive interview with the star of the Sunset Boulevard revival. This led to a work text discussion in which I typed the insufferably entitled statement, “I saw it in London in ’94 and I was not impressed.” To be sure my memory was correct, I…

  • TWIL: Astroglide

    I had no idea that the sex lubricant “Astroglide” is called Astroglide because it was invented by a rocket scientist.

  • Hair gets a new lease on life

    The country western star wig has not been cooperating recently. It has developed kind of a 1970s vibe, and the nice curls that stayed above my eyebrow are all dangling down in front of my eyelashes. All the curls were stretched and wonky. Ends: ratty and tangled. “This is it for you, wig,” I said.…

  • Halloween Costume 2024

    For the halloween party at work I told people I had worked really hard to pack on forty pounds, put on a wig, and develop wrinkles, and I came as a grandma.