Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: April 2019

  • House of Blur

    If you ever have even a little bit if anxiety upon leaving your house, I recommend Google Street View. I was in Google Maps, looking at a street very close to my house, when I noticed this house was blurred. I got all excited. I remembered that Dick Cheney insisted that Google Maps blur his…

  • Leopold and Loeb: The Sequel

    I thought I knew everything about the Leopold and Loeb murder case, but then I watched the L&L American Experience episode. I’ve always assumed that after their conviction they lived out their life sentences in separate prisons, but no. They ended up in the same prison and hung out as buddies. (Or possibly, they continued…

  • Mueller Report Due Today

    I have alerted my company that I need to work at home today. The Mueller report is due. If the report exonerates Trump, Gary will be in a state. If the report is heavily redacted, Gary will be in a state. If the report shows definitively that Trump is guilty, Gary will be in a…

  • Comet Croissanterie

    A few weeks ago, I found a day-old pastry on the break table at work. I ate it, because the diet I have stuck to for three years has been impossible to follow the last few months. Even a day old it was the best pastry I have ever had. I immediately set out to…

  • Notre Dame and My Poor Google Skills

    I was at work, mourning Notre Dame, and a friend consoled me by saying: “All the wood and stained glass? It’s not that old. It’s only 100 years old, because Notre Dame, the inside? It was all shelled during World War I. They were these long guns the enemy hauled with a train, and they…

  • Car Key

    Last Wednesday I dawdled away my last fifteen minutes at work: went to the bathroom, checked in with friends, divvied up my hours worked and tracked them in the computer system. This is my daily Farewell To Work Dance. The last dance step is snagging my car key – and – I couldn’t find it.…

  • Punishment

    Recently, Gary was late to an appointment with someone who had annoyed him. He said, “He doesn’t realize it, but I’m punishing him by being late. He’ll never know that he annoyed me.” I asked, “Isn’t that kind of passive-aggressive?” He answered, “No. It gives me satisfaction,” which was no answer at all. I thought…

  • Hoarder

    The deer turned their noses up at the apples in the manger. They chose instead to eat the woody debris from the Black-eyed Susans. Gary did some research and reported that deers’ bellies are seasonal, and they can die if they eat something in winter that they would usually eat in summer. Were I a…

  • Neuro Visit

    There are two things I didn’t mention about my recent neurologist visit. First, he told me there is some upstart new MS drug that is very similar to my current drug, but with fewer side effects. Namely: if you find yourself with an urgent need for a fully-functioning immune system, you’d be better off with…

  • Improvement: Interior

    Someday I will have to update the interior of the house. The house is like me: even if I exercised and lost weight I would still be old and unattractive. Even if tried to update my house — paint over the stenciling, remove the Waverly wallpaper — it will still be an eighties house with…