Let’s Go Crazy

Well, I was going to delay any therapy until I spoke with the neurologist, but an epic fight yesterday clarified what I’ve been so upset about since last August:

I miss my Mom.

I miss my Dad, too. Frankly, I miss anyone who is isn’t emotional, because I look at all family members, blood and in-laws, and I don’t see anyone who is calm. I see emotional people stretching to the horizon.

I don’t know who all those people go to when they want to be calmed down. Me? I know my brother comes to me when he needs me to “talk him off the ledge.” I shudder to think what would happen if I cried to Dave.

Of course Gary can spend hours ranting to me, but I find that when I rant to Gary, he yells louder and we end up in a fight. And, given yesterday’s fight, even if I explicitly say, “I’m feeling weepy, don’t get upset” … well that’s just the type of thing that fantasy couples say after they’ve taken marriage counseling. You know. Those imaginary conversations when people say, “I hear you saying [fill in the blank]. Is that how you feel?” They probably end up in epic fights too.

I know Mom died eight years ago, but I think I haven’t needed her to talk me off any ledges, probably because i was on the Great Celexa Mesa. And now that I might be (MIGHT BE) selling her house, it’s stirring up all the emotions. Or, there’s a wedding that stirs up all the emotions. Or any holiday. Since I don’t have any calm family, there’s no one to go to with my problems. Only people who would then just counter with their own, louder problems.

I could go to Mom-in-my-head. Mom? “Whine, whine, whine. Listen to yourself!” she says.