Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: February 2008

  • Puppies

    Puppies

    As you know, my new company, TeddyJ, has been cuckolding my old company, Elliot, at the rate of one employee a week. During this “difficult transition period,” we disloyal employees were forced to speak in code so our infidelities weren’t discovered. One of the codes we adopted was the Puppy Code. Examples Getting a new…

  • Too Sick to Meme

    Or, How to Lose Eight Pounds In Two Days. I think the title says it all.

  • Or does it explode?

    My high school was newly integrated the first year I went there. You would think I’d have tales of riots, public demonstrations, protesters, National Guard and such, but no. In fact, you couldn’t that tell my school was integrated. I never saw a single student of color in the halls, much less my classes. I…

  • Brain Lint

    Brain Lint

    You ever get to the ‘screw it’ point? That happened to me Wednesday at 6 am. No, my cell phone bill isn’t resolved. But so what? I’ve been shopping. I have new clothes. I have new shoes. I can walk in heels. Why should $230 stop me from enjoying them? So at 6am I wrote…

  • Model Wattle

    Model Wattle

    I remember the morning I woke up with a double chin. I was about 11, and overnight my chin poked out. And by the end of the week I became self-conscious about my chin. Chins. It still worries me when I watch Katherine Heigl on Grey’s Anatomy. My chin alarm goes off constantly. Watch the…

  • In Which Gary Changes His Underwear

    Gary came into the room Thursday, while I was on the phone, hooked his thumbs into a worn-out hole in his pants, and silently tore his pants off his body. He’s done this before. Usually I applaud and gush, but as I say, I was on the phone. This may explain why Friday he upped…

  • She Looks Great!

    Back in ’94, five days after my elective insurance started (victorious smug snort of self-satisfaction) I woke up and my feet were asleep. Oh, and I felt like my guts were super-glued together. “Like a tight band is around your torso?” asked the neurologist I saw seven days after the insurance started. “Why, yes, it…

  • I’m Loving Teddy J

    I’m Loving Teddy J

    My new employer, TeddyJ, has bought me lunch the last three days. And it was good, and there was cake. On the other hand, my husband Gary is starving me. There is no food in the house. Remember this photo? Clear all the fluids off the top and bottom shelves. That’s what’s in our fridge…

  • Shooooooes

    When I was taking Prof. B_______’s History of EducaZZZZzzzzzz-uhn class, the one interesting lecture he gave was on Appropriate Dress for A Woman Teaching High School. “No dresses, they’ll show your legs,” he droned. “Nothing below your clavicle. No heels. No pantsuits.”“Oh come on!” we cried, “No pantsuits? Why?”“Suits only accent a woman’s femininity. Oh,…

  • MemeMeme

    Tagged for a meme! Oh, thankthankyouthankyou, Connie K. I am so tired from this job I’m doing for Teddy J. So, Connie K’s meme: I. You have to look up page 123 in the nearest book around you.II. Look for the fifth sentence.III. Then post the three sentences that follow that fifth sentence on page…