Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: May 2007

  • Math

    Gary isn’t math-impaired, exactly. He just doesn’t appreciate the accuracy element of math. For example, he rounds numbers up exponentially for dramatic effect. The first time he quotes a number, say $145.99, he rounds up to $150. However, this is an odd number. Can’t have that. So the next time it comes up, it’s $160.…

  • I’m Number One! I’m Number One!

    I’m Number One! I’m Number One!

  • Hi! I’m Spunky!

    In college, a visiting professor taught one of my English courses. His name was Angus Wilson. He is Sir Angus Wilson to those of you who are under the oppression of the British throne. (Hah! I missed my chance to meet your queen, but if I’d seen her I would not have curtsied like a…

  • On Religion

    First, if you don’t want to catch up with my in-laws, go read something funny at Jesus Christ’s Cool Blog! Oh, Sherri, thank you. This is funny. This is as funny as Don Novello/Father Guido Sarducci/Lazlo Toth (American). In fact, it kind of sounds like him. It’s so good I’m saving it for a treat.…

  • Mistaken Identity

    Saturday, Catherine, Marcia and I were having dinner at a restaurant down the street. Oh, and falling madly in love with Brandon, our waiter. Marcia: Do you have a to-go cup for my Margarita?Brandon: I should tell you. My name is Steve, not Brandon, and this is actually an intervention. So, when a gray-haired man…

  • An Open Letter to Mr. Leonard Cohen

    Dear Mr. Cohen, As I was listening to some music on my iPod today at work, I came across your song ‘Take This Waltz.’ “Ah,” I thought, “I like that song.” I listened, and at the end of the song, hit Repeat. The second time through I sighed dreamily and hit Repeat. The third time…

  • Mom

    Mom

    Here’s a photo of my Mom: She’s standing behind a bank of pink surprise lilies in her garden. We love the surprise lilies because they arrive early summer, they bloom, you heartlessly mow them down, and they bloom again on the week of our birthdays. Mom taught me how to garden. Even, better, she taught…

  • Memphis: The Asshole Who Sat Behind Us At Graceland

    I have a bad habit of eavesdropping (only I use the old-fashioned term, “hearing”). Gary and I will be at dinner, he’ll see my eyes drift away, and then I’ll say, “This guy is hitting on this woman and they are taking a break from her husband’s visitation.”“Ellen, stop that, it’s rude.”“Rude? Her husband just…

  • Memphis: The Exhaustion

    Every once in a while, Gary and I find ourselves in a situation that just does not work for us, and we have to find a way to make it work. I give you: Landscaping. Building Shelves. Moving Heavy Objects Such As Full-Grown Pear Trees from the Front Yard to the Back. It always starts…

  • Memphis: the Food

    Memphis: the Food

    I know. You want to know if I got my snoot on in Memphis. No. (Hurls self on floor and kicks feet.) No snoots, even though I had an “in” at Gilbert/Carl Jr.’s family’s soul food place. I couldn’t find it. I drove to the address he wrote down, which matched the address from the…