Rated MA for Mature Language. The language in this one literally made my husband scream.
We went out to dinner, and on the drive back to his car Gary explained that a cell phone had been returned to his company from a prison, and it seemed to be covered with…
“A substance,” he said, significantly.
“Like…what?”
“Like…you know.”
“No. I don’t know. Was it a brown substance?”
“No…” in a leading tone.
“Oh. Then, spunk,” I piped up, happy to use my new favorite term.
“GAHHHH!”
“What?”
“You can’t say that!”
“What? Spunk?” This gave me pleasure, and I geared up to say, “Spunkspunkspunk spunkity spunk” when he interrupted me.
“Ellen, you have to stop saying words like that! “
“Oh.” (I paused.) “What should I say?” (I tried to resist, but couldn’t.) “Perhaps I should say, ‘Come?’” (And I would like to point out that I said “come,” spelled correctly, not the quasi-Latin “cum” that Bob Guccione prefers.)
“GAAAAAHHHHH!”
“Okay, okay! How about …. jism?” I genuinely believe that is the only time that word has passed my lips, but i had to say it to see Gary’s reaction. He screamed as if his mother had just risen out of the back seat and asked what we were talking about, and how long it had been since his last confession.
“GGGGGGHAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“Um, um…” Curses! I knew no other terms. “Okay, semen then.”
“No! NOOO! You can’t say that either!”
“What am I supposed to say then? ‘Stuff?’”
“No, you need to imply what you mean. You have to be delicate.”
I dropped him off at his car.
I called him on the highway from my cell.
“Ejaculate!”
“No! No! Stop talking about it! Gah! You can’t be that clinical. Think poetic.”
Well, I’m sorry, I’m not given to poetry. The best I could come up with on the drive home was “love juice.”
Here’s a challenge: let me know what sperm terms you think would pass Gary’s test of good taste, his taste test, if you will. Only delicate, poetic terms will be considered, and I’l let him choose the winner.
30 responses to “What Does “Preliminary Zygotes” Say to You?”
Not clinical. Not vulgar. And nothing along the spectrum in between. We are a such a bad influence on you.
That which a man may use to express both the deepest love and the greatest disgust.
The gift of self.
Poor man’s caviar.
Gene pool.
Sacrificial scions.
Acne medicine.
“Hair gel” ~ Cameron Diaz
Onan’s sin.
All I can tell you is he is a lucky man not to be married to a nurse like me. I can be very vulgar and very clinical. My stories of work would have put him in a state of catatonic shock by now.
Surely “man chowder” will meet Gary’s criteria.
How ’bout: sauce au jus d’amour (pardon my french)
Special Sauce?Protein Supplement?Baby Juice?How does Gary really expect you to make spunk (which is by far the best term) not vulgar?!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAOkay, I’m done. Personally, I really liked “man chowder” and “the gift of self.” How about “water of life” ?
Storm troopers.
Is “emission” delicate enough for him? Around here it’s sometimes known as “baby batter”. Or “just a little candy from the movie”, but that’s an in-joke involving a girl, her hair, her boyfriend, and dark movie theaters.
Oh, dear. I’m as good at euphemistic expression as the next girl in line for the Creative Writing class, but there are times and places where the EXACT RIGHT WORD is the only one that will do. How did Mark Twain put it — The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and a lightening bug.Of course, if he did’t want to discuss it, he should have just said “Cell phone was messy” and leave it at that. Opened his own can of worms, he did.
White stuff?Extra protein?Man Mayo?(so somebody REALLY liked the cell phone, huh?)
Poetry like in Penthouse Forum? How about spooge? and also? Does Sherri always talk like Yoda? Just tell Gary this: When 800 years old you reach, get spunked less, you will.Sometimes I marvel at the range of blog conversations in which I participate. One I’m commenting on toddlers who bite, and now we’re talking about love juice. Its a strange, strange world I live in.
Liquid DNA?
Oh, for Heaven’s sake… pearl jam!
All:Well, we set up the audio recording device to capture Gary’s shrieks of horror in response to your sperm term suggestions. Instead he only heard the first few, gasped, “I can’t do this!” and ran off to walk the dog. So, he might be in a more liberal mood tomorrow. “Man chowder” is what sent him over the edge. Good work Sgazzetti, you have the lead so far. More later.
man batter?
My husband prefers the term “super white stuff.”Then again, he truly believes that it can cure a sore throat…
virile essence
The glory of the win is split between Tracy27 and Zayrina! (Man chowder was a little too on the nose, shall we say.)
I have to say, though, that “pearl jam” is awesome. I think that’s my new favorite…
Yeah! That one had me at Wikipedia, and I think Becs has made up a NEW OFF-COLOR TERM! Go Becs!
I can’t believe no one said “that must have been really good phone sex”….
Mer – I think they were taken up with the competitive spirit.