So, there’s this new guy at work. Let’s call him Non-creepy New Guy.
He was explaining his college career, and in the course of his college history said, “And then, when I became a Mason -”
“A Mason?” I squealed in delight.
“Yeah.”
“Like a Secret-society-special-handshake-also-known-as-the-Illuminati MASON?”
“No. The Illuminati? Are you serious?”
And then he set me straight on the Masons. Actually, I already knew the Masons were good. But they really are shooting themselves in the foot with the pseudo-secret aspects of their organization. And of course, that’s what I kept riding the New Guy about.
Eventually he tired of me.
“I’ve said too much,” he grumbled. Then there was a long pause. “Masons are GOOD!” he muttered, but I heard him.
Well, the Master Architect must have been greatly amused, because as I related this conversation to Mom this weekend, Mom said:
“Well, I think your Grandpa Ray was a Mason. My sister was in Job’s Daughters. And your Grandmother was in some Eastern Star thing … The Sisterhood of the Easter Star? Something like that.”
“It can’t be Job’s Daughters,” I said to Mom, confident that I know everything, “That’s like a Jehovah’s Witness thing.”
Well, Mom should have pinkie bet me, because of course we went to Wikipedia and found … that I have Mason blood! Of course! Who has every copy of the Big Secrets books? Who loves a good secret handshake? Who was born to be a Worthy Matron in the Order of the Eastern Star? Me! Me!
Sadly, the Mason Way was not the path Mom’s family took. Even though it appears Step-Grandpa Ray must have made it to Master Mason status, he was ill-equipped to be a Mason at heart, given he was one of the most selfish men ever to walk the face of the earth. (“Three meals a day and snacks at night!” – Granceil.)
Also, Granceil was evidently not suited to be a good Matron Mason, because as Mom described it, “Oh, the way she would roll those dark eyes, and they would flash, and she would say, ‘Horseshit!’ She thought the whole thing was stupid. And Delores didn’t like anything.”
“Why didn’t you get to be in Job’s Daughter’s Mom, if Delores was?”
Mom made a face, which at first I didn’t recognize, because I don’t often see Mom affect the faux “Pity me! I’m a cripple!” face.
“Tooo fraiiiillll” she whined, and rolled her dark eyes.
Well, I wouldn’t become a Freemason now if you went down on your lousy stinking purulent knees and begged me. And, just in case this put you in the mood for the Monty Python Architect Sketch, click here.
14 responses to “I Have a Secret! Whoops, Now I Don’t!”
Who made Steve Guttenberg a star?We did! We did!
Sod the abattoir!
What the hell is a Job’s Daughter?By the way, I really enjoy reading your blog…I am a friend of Autumn’s to whom you just linked…it’s a good laugh when we’re tired of doing church minutes (except that I don’t do them, but I’m supposed to be training, but that will never happen).
See, I know good people…my dad was a mason…shh!! He’s also a…nevermind, I’ll keep that to myself;)
Becs – I forgot all about that!Rev_Matt – My high school boyfriend and I had art class together, and every time the instructor commented on our work, we’d turn to each other and mutter, “blinkered philistine pig-ignorance.”Amy – Hello! And a) the answer is PROBABLY in some of those church minutes you’ve been avaoiding. b) It’s like Masonic Girl Scouts, I think, but no cookies. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Job%27s_Daughters Autumn – a what? A what? Wait! Knights of Columbus? Did I guess?
Nothing easier than picking on a newly made Freemason. The secrets aren’t really all that secret, its just that they haven’t figured that part out yet. I am surprised he was so quick and open with saying he had received the degrees though. Most people don’t throw it into bio conversations. Interesting.
Nope…not a Knight of Columbus…aren’t they Catholic? (We are, in fact, not Catholic) I’m serious…you don’t want to know;) You might unlink me!
Greg – he wasn’t telling us his degrees, he was saying Alabama, where he got his college degree, was his Mason … home? And he totally did NOT look surprised when I laid the secret Mason handshake on him I found on the Internet.Autumn – No WAY. The Klan. Has to be the Klan. Seems Anti-Mason, though. Or is it Skull and Bones? This will bother me forever.
NO. Not the Klan. Not the Skull and Bones-we’re not Ivy League people…he’s a…he’s a…BAPTIST MINISTER. OMG! SHOCKING!!
Ah…a Baptist preacher’s daughter. No wonder you aren’t typing the church minutes right now. 😉
You wanna know what else? It gets better…BOTH of my grandfathers were also Baptist ministers…eye yi yi!
Okay. It’s amazing you aren’t a streetwalker/satanist.
Unless, of course, you are, which is also fine.
My night jobs.