Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: July 2006

  • Blackberry Blackmail

    There’s something about where Gary attaches his Blackberry to his pants that makes the redial button activate easily. My cell phone’s voice mail frequently records tedious silent messages dialed from Gary’s Blackberry. I’ll have to listen to three solid minutes of Gary driving and listening to NPR, or Gary ordering a smoothie, or Gary walking…

  • Queen Mum guards her privacy

    First the Queen Mother starts a blog. I comment. She slaps my comment off the site with blinding speed. Now, she has asked I take her link of my blog list. Either a) she wants to be guaranteed anonymity or b) she feels I am trucking in a stream of readers as vulgar and coarse…

  • Party in My Shirt

    Party In My Pants Shirt as it came out of the envelope: Same shirt, LARGE PRINT EDITION: (Note the Kirstie Alley pose.)

  • How to Lose Three Pounds Overnight

    1) Go to Applebee’s, intending to have the 250 calorie Weight Watchers salad. 2) Decide instead to share the Steak and Crabcakes (Crabcakes are MY Crack) and a Shrimp and Spinach Salad with the husband. 3) The one Crackcake will get into a territory war with the Shrimp while you are at the 24-Hour Store…

  • In Which I Finally Give In

    I have been fighting it off. And you have no idea how difficult it’s been. See, this is the thing. I am not a goal-oriented person. I look at my friend, the red-headed Catherine, who regularly updates me with new lists of goals she wants to accomplish. “In three years I want to…” and “By…

  • Impending Niece Visit

    Impending Niece Visit

    Two weeks and one day until my niece Arzaana-fay visits from KC. Technically, she’s my niece-in-law. And technically, the visitor will be the 16-year old version of Arzaana-fay. Based on recent phone calls I may not recognize her. Arzaana-fay last January looked like this: She was at the grandparent’s, so she swapped the nose ring…

  • Who Stands Like This?

    Who Stands Like This?

    Is this a natural posture, Kirstie? As far as I can tell she has her arms crossed behind her back, and her left hand is propping up her right arm with the extended thumb. And I thought posing with my hips angled at the camera was clever. However, I am glad she lost the 71…

  • Review / Meme

    I just bought the new Guster CD, and it reminded me of the Coldplay XY CD, in that it MADE ME WANT TO HUNT THEM DOWN AND SLAP THEM FOR BEING SO WHINY. Whine, followed by codependent whine, followed by more whining. Whiny topics, whiny voices, whiny music. If you whine, at least whine with…

  • The Incestous Pandas: The Early Years

    Gary actually invited me to jam with him, so I brought Blondie the new electric down to the basement. I made an iPod playlist/set list of songs I could play. I learned these things: 1) It does not really matter if you play the right chords if the distortion on the speaker is turned up…

  • In Which We Mock Our Lazy Politics

    I have, as Queen, a strong sense of noblesse oblige, with an equally strong sense of keeping my distance from anyone receiving my charity. I’m not the guy bagging the sand in front of the nearly-flooded house because I might encounter the tenants and have an awkward conversation with them. I am, however, all about…