Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: April 2006

  • Two Weddings, No Funeral

    Gary, like many of you unfortunates, has only two parents, and only four grandparents. We never hear about his dad’s side of the family because they are overshadowed by Wilma’s family. Wilma’s side is named the Cooks, and they are a society unto themselves. My anthropological studies of the Cooks has analyzed their social habits…

  • Dedicated to the Nonexistent Cooper Baby

    I noticed that part of the Mini Cooper site has been nominated for a Webby award. It reminded me of when we were shopping for the Mini and had to electronically sign the terms and conditions on the site to submit our Mini order to the dealer. Buried in the TandC were stipulations that we…

  • Benchmarks

    You know how there are those popular delusions in mental illness? Like the delusion the phone company is after you, the fear that tiny insects are living in your pores, that you are actually married to a celebrity? (Not that any of you would have personal experience of these things.) I’m wondering if there isn’t…

  • I Am Provoked

    So, Gary and I watched South Park this past Wednesday, waiting for them to bring the funny. No funny. Also no Cartman, no Kenny, no Kyle, no Stan, no Butters, no Timmy (“TimmmMAAHHH!”), and again, no funny. Oprah’s vagina holding a gun. But no funny was brought. I turned to Gary and said “Is this…

  • Guitar Update

    Every free minute this week has been spent with the new guitar, Uncle. (That is to say every minute not spent detailing how one can kill the infidels with potato eyes and tobacco.) I’m loving the Uncle. Evidently the secret to rock is to be unafraid of beating the hell out of your guitar. It…

  • NOBODY Expects the Mormon Inquisition!

    Okay, well, we do. It’s May 12th. I even warned the token Mormon today and assured her it would be a celebration of her Mormonism, not really an Inquisition, much as the Girl’s Sabbath Out” was a celebration of Marcia’s Judaism. Well. Except the Church of the Latter Day Saints has even more quirky habits…

  • Good Humor Man

    Wilma’s birthday was Saturday (well, was celebrated Saturday; birthdays are celebrated by convenience in their world) and Gary’s been shopping all week for gifts. He claims he needs my help with this. I claim he never listens to me anyway so it is pointless. Plus, I had to Teach Myself High-school and College Chemistry in…

  • Fewer Living Through Chemistry

    Fewer Living Through Chemistry

    Geh. I’ve been immersed in Chemistry for three days now. And this lesson I’ve been writing hasn’t been pleasant – it’s been on all the varied and sundry ways you can die by Chemistry. Specifically salts. If the salt lesson is doing this to me, what will happen in the Household poisons lesson, when I…

  • You know, Gary doesn’t really like using the microwave himself.

    Remind me of this next time I complain about my husband: Dang. Heat up your own damn sandwiches.

  • In Which We Mock Actual Blood Relatives!

    Let me tell you about my Aunt Rosemary. She’s a fun girl. She had a mastectomy and loves asking people if they can tell which is the fake boob. She recently had lipstick and eyeliner permanently tattooed on. She kisses and tells. She kisses and evaluates and then tells. “Oh,” you say pleasantly, “your Aunt…