Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: November 2005

  • In Which I Establish a New National Holiday

    It’s building up to my favorite time of year. Holiday Tea time? you ask. Christmas? No, more even than those I love late December, because it’s Retrospective time of year, in which I review all the Year in Reviews. I think it should be a national holiday. (And it should be a national holiday in…

  • Suck My Turkey

    Gary said he felt great joy when his Mom asked me to wiggle the turkey leg to see if it was done and it came off in my hand. I felt great relief when I carved into the breast and juices flowed. Okay – here’s how you make a turkey (aka the Wilma Method, with…

  • Testing One, Two …

    Nnnnooooooooooo…I flunked my test turkey. I followed all the directions and it made a turkey that somehow seemed dry and undercooked at the same time. I plan to follow George W Bush’s lead on this. I shall start by decreasing expectations. I already called Wilma and asked her how to make her Special Steamed Turkey,…

  • To Thou Who are About To Roast, We Salute Thee

    On the Way to the Butcher, This Occurred to Gary: “What if they haven’t been plucked?” I explained to Gary then we would give the turkeys appropriate Catholic burials in the backyard. But, as it turns out, these are Amish Birds. “Fresh Amish Turkeys!” the label cries. While we have been addressing the turkeys we…

  • Thanksgiving and Impending Death Looms Nearer

    Well, Thanksgiving has become an even more baroque ordeal. First, Gary has committed to fresh free-range turkeys (even though that just means the turkeys, in exchange for not being in pens, are de-clawed and de-beaked so they don’t peck the other three-dollar-a-pound turkeys to death at home on the range.) We pick the turkeys up…

  • In Which I Feel Sorry for Jesus

    It just occurred to me, does no one pray to Jesus? Is Jesus just totally dissed in the praying process? I know Baptists (and possibly other religions) tack “In-Jesus’-Name-We-Pray” on the end of all their prayers, but I don’t think that counts, since it makes it quite clear they are praying to God. What about…

  • Thanksgiving Looms

    I have been dreading Thanksgiving ever since…last Thanksgiving, when my mother-in-law Wilma had a meltdown and accused me of stealing her grandchildren. (Evidently, I was being too attentive to the teenage niece and nephew.) I (BLAMELESS) apologized to Wilma, so the meltdown did give me the opportunity to be an example of maturity and control.…

  • Our Second Adolescence

    When you get MS, you prepare yourself for the typical MS symptoms. Not that I’m disappointed, but I’ve had MS for almost ten years now and there has been no disability. (And I’m all prepared!) Instead, I am plagued by the quirky little aberrations that occur when one loses chunks of ones brain to ones…

  • Five Second Rule

    God is again punishing me for having sex with my husband. I have yet another bladder infection. As I am a virtuous patient, I trundled off to the doctor to get a culture and antibiotics. I have the sterilizing/wiping/urinating process down cold now: a result of the dozens of UTIs and the dozens of peeing…