Queen Mediocretia of Suburbia

Putting the TMI in absentminded

Month: March 2013

  • Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally, She is a Psycho Bitch

    The only bit of math I have retained is that order in which you solve expressions, only because it fits neatly in the language hemisphere of my brain because of the mnemonic device “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally” (Parentheses, Exponentials, Multiplication, Addition, and Subtraction. Spoiler: This is a lie.) I can remember the mnemonic…

  • And the Devil Shall Be Known as Amazon Prime

    I remember all the warnings when the first debit cards showed up. “It makes it too easy to spend money!” Not really. Easy? You want easy? I was at my keyboard and I noticed a pen on my desk. “I hope that isn’t my last pen like that.” I clicked twice, typed my password, did…

  • Goose

    We had the same spring snow that Denver and KC had. It inspired some inventive snowmen in our subdivision: a snowman holding an Easter basket, a snowman with bunny ears. Our cars were trapped by the foot of snow. Monday morning I was shoveling the smallest path possible to the street when a neighbor came…

  • Supreme Court

    First off, it is terrifying to read the transcripts that come out of the Supreme Court. The nine members of the court talk over everyone else, so the transcript can ony get part of every third sentence. Really, it’s ridiculous. Second, of course, I need to apologize to Missouri because I have not been popping…

  • 15pt Bullets

    I was recently advised by someone looking at engagement rings that stores don’t have engagement rings as small as mine anymore (1/7th of a carat, or 15 point). “Those are promise rings.” I am not treated with such disrespect by the concierge at the hotel in Quebec City. She has written me two emails that…

  • Joe

    In the early nineties, when I worked at Eliot, Joe H____ asked, “Do you want to see the World Wide Web?” “The what?” “The web. I’ll send you an email that shows how to open it.” He sent instructions on how to see the Trojan Room Coffee pot. I wrote back, “I don’t get it.…

  • Decision!

    A decision has been made on the vacation! Gary and I were going back and forth on vacation options, and prices, and such, and he backed off of Hawaii when we totaled it up. It would cost almost what Paris cost, and we aren’t excited enough for a Paris outlay of cash. The cheapest one…

  • Fear of Fire

    This evening I brought 20 years of tax returns up from the basement, popped them in the Weber kettle out back, doused them with lighter fluid and torched them, as you do. Not out of spite. I just didn’t want to wear out the shredder. I didn’t want to just pitch them either, and cooking…

  • Happy Kevin Spacey Day

    The bagels I had at nine o’ clock Saturday night crawled out through my ears at three a.m. Sunday morning, or at least they tried, and that type of indigestion is only cured by sitting up and watching television. Of course, I fell asleep at five, and woke up partway in the late morning when…

  • New Pope at the Dentist

    Wednesday afternoon, Friend 2 got Friend 4’s email message: “White Smoke!” I checked www.istherewhitesmoke.com and guess what? Gotta Pope. I had high hopes for a brown pope. As it turned out, I was on the way to the dentist when the habemus papam came on the radio, and after hearing the name I assumed he…